It's Britney's week, bitch! In honor of the release of Britney Jean and her birthday, MTV won't stop posting old Britney Spears interview videos. And I won't stop watching them. I've gone down an MTV.com video rabbit hole and I can't climb out of it. There's a cry-smile grimace on my face. I can't shake it. Every time young Britney Spears laughs, I cry-smile harder. It's been a strange day.
Remember Spears of the early aughts? She was as golden as the tint of her sunglass lenses. I mean, did you see Crossroads? Of course you did. Opening night. You snuck candy in the theater. You were furious when the dickbags behind you laughed when Mimi fell down the stairs (it wasn't funny. Not even a little bit).
I've always loved Spears. Even when things got… weird for her. Do you know how many "R U ok?" texts I received when she was hospitalized in 2008? My support is limitless. On a scale of one to "LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE," I'm at an eight. That being said, knowing what would happen in Spears's life during the later half of the decade renders these old videos kind of bittersweet. I watched every clip through two filters: Kristie of 2013 and Kristie of 2000-2003. The results are as follows:
Teen Me: What a cool top! WHAT COOL SUNGLASSES!Adult Me: Oh no. That top. And those impractical yellow sunglasses. Were those UV-protective lenses? No? I'm shocked.
Teen Me: SHE'S SO SWEET! She wants to be just like her mom! I LOVE HER. Adult Me: Did she just say "I'm retarded" when she teared up? Oh. Yep. She said it again. Crimeny.
Teen Me: STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF, BRITNEY! DON'T LISTEN TO THE CRITICS! YOU CAN DO NO WRONG! I'LL KEEP DREAMING!Adult Me: Oof.
Teen Me: I want those sunglasses! I can't wait to drive!Adult Me: Who drives holding a mug of coffee? They had travel mugs in 2001. I hope tinted lenses never make a comeback.
Teen Me: You tell 'em Britney! She's so fun. I want to be her friend.Adult Me: This is my favorite video. Yes, she's wearing with the yellow lenses again. But I've learned to accept the yellow lenses. Here are the notable moments:0:31 Britney's thumbs up "YEAH" response is so cute. I still want to be her friend.1:31 "I'm not their parent, man!" 1:37 "RIGHT ON, BABY! Right on." She's so animated.1:50 Oh, her cackle. Her cackle!2:00 I had to pause the video for a few minutes after "alright, yo G" happened. It was too much. Cripes, Britney. Cripes. 2:28 However, I did bang my hands together like a wind-up cymbal monkey toy when Britney imitated that lady saying "little children."
Teen Me: JUSTIN AND BRITNEY ARE THE CUTEST. Oh my gosh, I hope they do love each other for forever. How could they not? They're PERFECT.Adult Me: Sorry to be a killjoy, but uh... 2001 Britney (and Kristie), you might want to buckle up for 2002.
I'm emotionally drained. I need a nap.