'Archie' Is Coming To Broadway

Archie is coming to life, in the most live venue there ever was —Broadway! Adam McKay and Funny Or Die have are creating an Archie Broadway musical to bring Archie, Veronica, Betty and Jughead to life. McKay, whose directing credits include Anchorman and Talladega Nights, is writing a book about the Riverdale gang for the musical adaptation, and said in a statement on Wednesday: "Archie represents a bygone era of America, and like all bygone eras, there are elements we miss and elements that should be bygone. This will be a musical that deals with both those realities in a bright, colorful and slightly demented way." I'm here to offer my official suggestions of minor characters from Riverdale I want to see in that slightly demented musical reality, because there are a lot of cool kids in Archie's gang besides the ones we know well.

Besides the incredible pop art of the comic books and the oblique humor, one of my favorite things about the Archie series is its diversity. Riverdale is full of kids that are as varied as they come, and the longevity of the series has led to, over the years, more and more powerful women, racial diversity, and exploration of interesting storylines. At the end of the day, though, inclusion is the name of the game.

Here are some minor characters from the Archie Comics I'd love to see brought from 2D technicolor to real-life Broadway:

Cheryl Blossom

As if Archie wasn't rife enough with beautiful women already — Betty and Veronica, hel-LO! — the series rolled out the buxom Cheryl Blossom in 1982. She's basically a hybrid of Regina George and Paris Hilton, hailing from a very wealthy family, and who's described on the Archie Comics site as "not above using dirty tactics to attract the boys in Riverdale or any town for that matter!" Some see Cheryl as a villain, but I think a woman that knows what she wants and goes after it is a boss. Does that make me evil, too? As many wise reality stars have said, "I'm not here to make friends," and that's Cheryl Blossom's M.O. And doesn't every good Broadway musical need a femme fatale?

Ethel Muggs

Shoutout to my nerdy girls. Big Ethel is as geeky as they come — Jughead's female counterpart in the Archie universe, and she's always trying to get him to look her way — but she still has tons of friends and isn't afraid to be herself. Plus, she's a babe.

Chuck Clayton

Chuck's character has, thankfully, grown beyond being the only person of color in Riverdale over the years: he's an athlete, but he's also an artist, and his longtime lady Nancy Woods often wonders if he loves art more than he loves her. As a creative type, I can relate to you, Chuckie.

Speaking of Pussycats...

If we don't see Josie, Valerie, and Melody on-stage and/or as the house band in the Broadway version of Archie, there's gonna be animated hell to pay. My personal dream would be for the original cast of the live-action Pussycats movie to return and reprise their roles. Please, please, please, Rachel Leigh-Cook! Plus, obviously, their costumes are already perfect for the stage.

Kevin Keller

A historic moment in the Archie comics universe was the introduction of Kevin Keller, the first openly gay character in the series. He's also the class president of Riverdale High and an all-around good ol' American dude. If the musical wants to be representative, you've got to have KK on the stage. Plus, he got married this year.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch

If you loved the ABC series starring Melissa Joan-Hart, you owe that love to Archie comics. Sure, she became a hit on TGIF, but Sabrina was busy casting her good-natured spells in Riverdale long before that. Musicals + magic = well, more MAGIC.

Toni Topaz

Just LOOK at this badass.

ZOMBIES

Even if you're not an Archie Comics fan, I suggest at least getting one copy of Afterlife With Archie, which get X-TREMELY dark in the most weird, wonderful way possible. Zombies in Riverdale? There's your big ensemble finale number right there.

Images: Archie Comics (8), vintagegal/Tumblr