Hi Mom! I just wanted to apologize for the following article you're about to read, because it's Tuesday and I know that you Google my name on Tuesdays to check for new articles. Yes, I still have a job. Yes, I'm being very nice to my editor. And no, I've never submitted a screenshot of our texts to @CrazyYourMom, the Instagram of crazy things moms text to their kids.
Yes, Mom, I know the one featuring the same "Where r u" text 15 times in a row does look familiar — but I promise I didn't submit it. I didn't create this amazing Instagram account either; that was Kate Seigel, whom you might know as the brains behind the @CrazyJewishMom Instagram account. No, I cannot believe a daughter would put her mom on blast like that for all of the Internet to see, but she already told us that her mother doesn't mind, so it's all good. And yes, "on blast" means to embarrass. Good for you for knowing your slang, Mom!
I know the parents on @CrazyYourMom are just looking out for their children, Mom. I know it means you care. You're right — someday when I have children, I'll understand.
Did you just send me a photo of Uggs for babies? Please do not buy those. They will not bring you grandkids any faster. Just put them down.
And while we're on the subject, you don't need to send me these texts anymore — even though I know all kids get the exact same texts from their moms. Even if they're grown. Especially if they're grown. Because all of the texts on @CrazyYourMom? They're all reader submissions from kids just like me, with parents just like you.
We love you. But please stop sending us these texts.
1. I know you want me to just be happy.
But I'm pretty sure my math teacher from middle school is on eHarmony. I'll just stick with Tinder. Please do not ask what Tinder is.
2. Yes, safety IS important.
But just because I live alone does not mean I'm constantly being kidnapped.
3. For the 10th time today, I am NOT KIDNAPPED.
You're right, if I were married, then the chances of me being abducted would immediately drop to zero percent. Except that no, they wouldn't.
4. No, I'm not marrying that celebrity you really like.
Although I don't know if someone from Survivor counts as a celebrity. Also I did not know Survivor still existed.
5. No, I'm not marrying that stranger, either.
You are going to be arrested.
6. Yes, you are right, that's the bright side, thank you SO much.
Thank you. For that.
7. .... That's not really....
Love you, too, Mom
Images: Pexels; @CrazyYourMom/Instagram (7)