If Presidential Candidates Were In Greek Mythology, It'd Be A Legendary Showdown That'd Rival The Trojan War

The current presidential run is giving us quite a lot to take in. We've got the drama of the never-ending Hillary Clinton email saga, the comedy of Donald Trump's hair, and the tragedy of Rick Perry's unpaid staffers. Not to mention the epic number of Republicans currently vying for the affections of voters. All of this reminds me of my days studying Classics and that time in high school when we all had to read The Trojan War. The battle for the presidency is definitely reaching mythological levels of intensity, and the candidates are starting to remind me more and more of figures of ancient mythical lore. How exactly would the presidential candidates fit in Greek mythology?

Greek myths were filled with all types of people like the ones on our current presidential candidate list. From the stoic and proud, to the jackasses who wound up dying because of their vanity, classic Greek figures all ran the gamut of personalities, strengths, and tragic weaknesses. And as much as certain gods or spirits drove the mere mortals of Greece to the brink of insanity with their tricks and punishments, we find our present days selves shaking our heads and feeling our blood boil as candidates try to pull fast ones on us in debates and speeches. If you rewind a couple millennia and let the candidates roam free in ancient Greece, these are the mythological figures they might be mistaken for.

Hillary Clinton: Cassandra

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In Greek myth, Cassandra was the love interest of Apollo, who gave her the gift of prophecy. However, nobody every really believed Cassandra when she would relay her visions. You might even say nobody trusted Cassandra... Clinton has her own trust woes right now, whether it's her email scandal or the curse and gift that is her powerful last name — the one shared by former president Bill Clinton, who also comes with a lot of baggage.

Donald Trump: Narcissus


Trump's over-inflated ego is sure to lead to his ultimate political demise. Like Narcissus, he's just too obsessed with himself (and his hair), and eventually, his lack of true self-awareness will ruin him for good.

Marco Rubio: Alala

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Alala was the goddess of the war cry in ancient Greek mythology. It seems that Alala is with Rubio lately, as he has been quoting the first of the Taken trilogy when asked to discuss his plans to deal with ISIL saying: "We will look for you, we will find you and we will kill you.” Alala help us all if Rubio gets nominated.

Ben Carson: Apollo

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Most people associate Apollo with music, which he was indeed the god of, but he was also the god of healing who brought medicine to mortals. As a highly accomplished neurosurgeon, Carson is certainly bringing the gift of his medical mind to the presidential race.

Rand Paul: Harpocrates

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Poor Paul had the least talk time of anyone during the Republican primetime debate last week, and as such, I think it would only be appropriate for him to have been Harpocrates, the god of silence. Shhh, Rand Paul.

Carly Fiorina: Artemis

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As the goddess of the hunt and childbirth (as well as animals, the wilderness, the plague, and the moon!), Artemis is a figure Fiorina closely resembles. Fiorina is hot to go after ISIL, and she apparently wants anyone who becomes pregnant to ultimately give birth (Fiorina has said she'd like to repeal Roe v. Wade).