Every time I try to fly, I fall, without my wi— WHOA. I didn't mean to start type-singing "Everytime" when I typed "every time." That was weird. Let me try again. Every time I watch Britney Spears's music video for "Stronger", I am reminded of a scene from 2004 ode to tater tots/independent comedy Napoleon Dynamite. It is the scene where Uncle Rico attempts to sell knockoff Tupperware containers to a married couple. Before the couple can ask him to kindly excuse himself from their kitchen table, Uncle Rico offers to sweeten the deal: If they buy the storage containers, he'll throw in a model of a sailing ship. After the woman takes a good look at the ship, she turns to her husband and whispers, “I want that.”
When I see the doily body stickers, the magical chair, and the flawless makeup in the "Stronger" video, I am Uncle Rico's Faux-pperware customer. I am the one mumbling "I want that" under my breath as I rummage around in my purse for my checkbook.
Yeah, the "Stronger" video is almost 15 years old, and yeah, you’d think I would've moved on from coveting just about everything in the video by now, but nope. Still obsessed with all of it. Here are some of the things from the "Stronger" vid that have me saying "I want that":
I live for this frosted-but-muted look. If MAC sold a "Stronger" makeup kit, I'd be the first person in line.
I wish I knew how to recreate thi— Hush just stop right there! Bustle's own Christie Drozdowski created a handy-dandy "Stronger" makeup guide! Cannot wait to give this tutorial a whirl.
The Appliqué Temporary Tattoos
Wow. So glam. I don't know if I could actually wear the black flower body stickers for more than 10 minutes (my skin tends to react poorly to adhesive), but I would like to at least give 'em a shot.
The Black Lace Sarong
When I'm poolside, I like to keep it goth. This sarong would really elevate my outfit.
Oh Heck, I'll Take All Of The Accessories
Yes, even that hilarious fringed cuff.
Crazy-Impressive Upper Body Strength
If I slammed my fists against a door as hard as I could right now, I'd probably wind up bruising both of my pinkies. The door would remain unscathed.
A Really Strong Center Of Gravity
My balance is decent enough, but if I tried to hop on top of a moving chair, I'd definitely wind up bruising both of my pinkies. And by "both of my pinkies" I mean "my entire body."
The Ability To Keep Calm When Driving In The Rain
I don't dare sing along with the radio when driving in a storm. I'm too nervous. I envy her chill.
The Ability To Control Rain
What would I do with this power? Show it off at parties, duh.
A Cane That Magically Transforms Into A Chair
This chair/cane rules. Do you know what's significantly easier to lug around than a fold up beach chair? A cane. Forget folding chairs, morphing chairs are where it's at. Long live the chairicane.
Images: BritneySpearsVEVO/YouTube (9); Kristie Rohwedder/Bustle (5)