As I close in on another hot season (holed up inside my apartment, watching movies on my MacBook) I've really started to run out of bad movie rewatch films that are decidedly light and summery. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: Jaws. The feel-good movie of 1975, Jaws is lauded as a classic, something literally deemed "culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant." It is also a movie of a gigantic fish slash muppet that straight up murders a bunch of people.
I could've taken the easy way out. Deep Blue Sea, a film about sharks with super intelligence, is packed to the gills with LOLz. Like, I could've been super cheap and went straight for the heart with Sharknado and any of its follow-ups — but legends aren't made by those who so quickly take the bait. I really had to commit and rewatch the 40-year-old film to see if it holds up just as well this many years later.
The short analysis on that? It kind of does. Even aged, Jaws is far from being from a bad film. But I think it's still worth a second glance, and with that said, here's 27 moments from the movie that are retrospectively silly. (TRIGGER WARNING: Muppet Sharks.)
1. This Hair-Do.
Yeah, this guy does NOT get eaten by the shark, but he should be for that coif alone.
2. When Bad Hair Guy Falls Down A Cliff Because Undressing Is Hard.
The awkward moment when a monumental horror film turns into a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
3. The Shark Has VERY Bad Table Manners.
Thrashing around this girl, playing with his food, it's VERY uncouth.
4. "You Were Playin' On Those Swings, Weren't You? Those Swings Are Dangerous."
"I won't have my son associating with the likes of those demon swings!"
5. Then This Happens.
“But honey, those swing sets are dangerous! Don’t be a hero!”
6. And Then They Find Chrissie's Mangled Body And Have To Fill Out This Report.
7. "I'm Only Trying To Say That Amity Is A Summer Town, We Need Summer Dollars."
"We can't just close the beach because of a few homicidal sharks, we have some 'Gym, Tan, Laundry' tanks to sell."
8. Then The Movie Takes A Dark Turn When It Unceremoniously Breaks a Cinema Rule And Kills Off a Dog.
Oh, Tippet! Gone to soon! Goodnight, sweet prince!
9. Oh, And I Think There Was a Tampon Malfunction Somewhere Slightly Down The Way.
I left the room for a sec to get a ginger ale, I'm sure it was nothing.
10. R.I.P. Floatie.
11. The Town Then Convenes To Discuss This Grave Tragedy But More-So To Make Sure The Beach Stays Open.
"I have 200 'Surf's Up!' mugs to sell by September!"
12. "Ten Thousand Dollars, For Me, By Myself. For That, You Get The Head, The Tail, The Whole Damn Thing."
... who are you? Why do you have a tail?
13. But No, Everyone Who Owns A Boat On This Island Decides That Shark-Induced Mass-Murder Is The Way To Go.
"Quick road trip to our deaths, yay!"
14. When They Pour Buffalo Sauce In The Ocean To Lure The Shark.
Little known fact, he's a BIG fan of Applebee's half-off apps.
15. "This Is Not A Boat Accident. And It Wasn't Any Propeller. It Wasn't Any Coral Reef. And It Wasn't Jack The Ripper."
"It was a swing set."
16. My Boy Is Dead. I Wanted You To Know That."
WHAT? When did this happen, was it during the tampon thing?
17. Incidentally The Average Shark Diet Consists Of Mostly Milk And Sometimes A Car.
People are really more like a midnight snack.
18. EL OH EL.
19. "Why Aren't You In The Water?"
"Oh, I don't know, Larry, the 25 feet of floating MURDER seems to be a bit of a turn off."
20. "Here's To Swimmin' With Bow-Legged Women."
21. Anyway, Three Men Go Out To See And Start Romantically Comparing Scars.
It gets weird.
22. MUPPET SHARK SIGHTING!
23. And Then Salty Fisherman Dude Goes Full Captain Ahab And Just Starts Shooting At The Thing Recklessly.
Pew pew pew!
24. Anyway Finally They Brainstorm The MASTER PLAN Of Just Locking The Oceanographer In A Cage So He Can Just Chill With The Shark "Safely."
What could possibly go wrong?
25. "Hey, Want To Drop In For A Bite?"
"Actually, wait, do you know if you're gluten-free?"
26. STAHP. STAHP.
THIS IS THE RUTHLESS KILLER OF AMITY ISLAND, GUYZ.
27. Finally, Though, They Managed To Blow Up The Shark And Save The Townspeople.
As for the swings, well... that's a fight for another day.
Images: Universal Pictures (30)