6 Sexy "What Do You Mean" Music Video Moments That Oddly Spoke To Your Loins — VIDEO

My ears have been suffering from indecision FOMO all night after all the surprise song releases that followed the VMAs, including Justin Bieber's "What Do You Mean" music video. If you weren't online watching and/or aggressively tweeting with the rest of America during the VMAs, then allow me to bring you up to speed: Justin Bieber made a comeback in a big way tonight singing this new single to an epic choreographed dance that ended with him literally taking flight. The crowd cheered like crazy and Justin even cried a little bit. I'm guessing he's going to be crying a hell of a lot more happy tears when he sees just how fast the views are climbing up for the video he just dropped.

And listen, guys. I am not a Belieber. And I had many, many reservations about this song, especially given the lyrics. In case you're grooving to the admittedly catchy beat and missing the lyrics, he spends most of it reflecting on how he doesn't know what a woman means she says no, and then says yes, but then says no, etc., and the whole thing is a little too... Robin Thicke for my tastes. However, the video took it in an entirely different direction, and all of the ~sexytimes~ are very clearly consensual and kosher.

Speaking of ~sexytimes~... boy howdy, friends. There are a lot of them. Your boy Justin is all grown up and Miley can take that "call me when you're legal" jab she made at him during the VMAs and stuff it right into the crevices of one of Justin's distractingly present abs. I'm warning you all: Proceed with caution. You are going to be turned on, and it might be upsetting, but it is also out of your control. Here are all the moments during the "What Do You Mean" video that deeply confused your loins:

The Ab Licking

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On the sexy scale: Sexy. And I'm confused about it. And that's all I'm going to say.

The Giant Clown Men Moment Killing Their Sex

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On the sexy scale: ????. Your happy cells just shrunk into themselves. Why are you doing this, masked criminals?? LET THEM LIVE.

The Kidnapped Cuddling

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On the sexy scale: D'awww. I mean, yeah, they're basically being violently ransomed, but they're so damn adorable about it.

The #Teamwork

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On the sexy scale: HELLZ YEAH. Look at those two little bosses, working together to get 'er done.

The ... Random Disco Skateboard Party That Magically Made Everything OK Forever, DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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On the sexy scale: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Oh, and just in case you thought you were going to get through this next week without having a weird sex dream about Justin Bieber:

ALL OF THE SEX

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You're all welcome. Here's the full video:

JustinBieberVEVO on YouTube