Fictional Schools Ranked By Deadliness That Will Make Your School Seem Like A Paradise
It's true that when Sept. 1 rolls around every year, I still get bitter about never receiving my Hogwarts letter. Realistically, being 24 years old and long graduated from college should have helped me get over that, but, here I am, wistfully looking out the window for an owl (and only seeing the morning doves that live on my fire escape). My only solace is that Hogwarts, while magical, is up there in the legions of fictional schools with a high death rate. And while the Holmdel school system was tiresome at best, I never had to worry about dark wizards trying to kill me and everyone I love.
Hogwarts isn't even the worst of it, though. In fact, I found that many of the schools I wished to attend (and did attend, at least via a TV screen) had danger around every corner. Yes, said danger very often came with lovable protagonists and wacky misadventures, but at what cost? I love wacky misadventures as much as the next girl, but only if I can come out the other end alive.
So, because I'm in a very back-to-school mood, I'm going to order the deadliest fictional schools from "safest" to straight-up Murderland. Enroll with caution.
5. Westerburg High School From Heathers
To think that, in one short week, three of the most popular kids in school could be offed... it's like a middle school dream for me. And, hey, three doesn't even seem like a big number, right? But I think it's JD's plot to blow up the school that really pushes this into deadly territory. The good news is that it doesn't go through, and we assume Veronica retires from the accidental murdering business. Still, in the condensed time frame of the film, the havoc wrought definitely pushes Westerburg into dark waters.
4. Neptune High From Veronica Mars
The very thing that launches the plot is the murky mystery that surrounds Lilly Kane's death, and that's enough of a reason to stay away. But, in the long run, that's a blip on the radar in a town that's overrun by violent gangs and rich movie stars with secrets. It's really the school buses you have to watch out for, though... without going into spoiler territory, it is very hard to have a normal field trip without half of your classmates dying.
3. Woodsboro High School From Scream
Considering that we're still watching spinoffs of Scream all these years later, it's safe to say that Woodsboro High, and Woodsboro in general, is consistently a den of murder. However, I'm guessing that there were many pockets of time (somewhere between 2000 and 2010) where people weren't getting stabbed by a bevy of ghost-faced killers. Not sure if I would've wanted to attend Woodsboro, but that has to be taken into consideration.
2. Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry From Harry Potter
The joke is that Hogwarts is supposed to be one of the safest places in the wizarding world, a haven under the watchful eyes of Dumbledore. Super weird, then, that after book (or movie, I don't know your life) four, people are dying left and right. Before that, the school was already ridden with trolls and basilisks alike, and we know that students have perished there before (hellooooo, Moaning Myrtle). Hogwarts is supposed to be safe, yet we have an administration the requires you to have permission slips to go to the local town but sets detention in the Forbidden Forest. Hogwarts is supposed to be safe, but, if only the Headmaster dies, it's still considered a banner year. Never mind the fact that a bloody battle of good versus evil takes place on campus, Hogwarts is a quick ticket to get murdered. But, as I promised, it's really not the worst there is, because there's still...
1. Sunnydale High School From Buffy the Vampire Slayer
What happens when your school is on the literal mouth of hell? Apparently, students start dying on a weekly basis, victims to vampires, demons, Mayor Giant Snake, and gill monsters. If your tormented ex-boyfriend won't kill you, the apocalypse-of-the-day surely will. So, let's just take in the fact that Sunnydale is so uniquely dangerous that a) the protagonist of the series managed to die twice, and b) they had an obituary section in the school newspaper.
Needless to say everyone was very happy to graduate Sunnydale alive... or, um, everyone that didn't die in the crossfire. See: Mayor Giant Snake. I bet your school doesn't seem so bad anymore, now does it?
Images: Warner Bros. Pictures; Giphy (5)