I stand firm in my belief that there is nothing quite as frustrating as the beauty woes of summer. While I dream of fall colors and layering denims and flannels for the approaching autumn, I know it’s only a matter of time before snowfall ruins my shoes and freezing temperatures threaten my afro health. While I’ll always dream of summer in freezing temperatures, I certainly will not miss those summer beauty blunders that totally kill my warm-weather vibe.
Unbearable temperatures bringing sleepless nights, weekend getaways interrupted by an offensive amount of traffic, and a glaring sun so bright you wonder if people can see the reflection of your soul are all things that no one will miss about summer. The end of the season isn’t just the end of those nuances, — because let’s face it, we will miss summer once it’s gone — but it also marks the end of some of the seasonal beauty woes that keep us from looking and feeling our best. I used to spend the entire month of August grieving the end of summer, its rooftop parties, summer hikes, and, of course, lack of classes. Now, as an adult fighting signs of aging and hair loss, I spend the latter half of August literally hating summer and wishing its untimely death. Sorry, beach babes, it’s just not worth it for me.
Without further ado, it gives me great pleasure to say goodbye to the nine things I will not miss about summer. Bring on the autumn nights.
1. Sweating Through a Dry Clean Only Dress
Getting home and realizing you purchased dry clean only apparel can be horrifying for some — particularly me. It’s not the cost of cleaning my item so much as the unlikelihood that I will get more than one wear (or, really, more than five minutes) out of my new dress during the summer before I sweat through it while waiting on the hot subway platform. Even waiting until the last minute to put on my dress doesn’t help because the act of grabbing my keys, locking the door behind me, and walking out of my building has me sweatin’ bullets. My cuteness never stood a chance.
2. Mosquito Bites Covering Your Legs like Leopard Print
While leopard print is a timeless print for me (thank you, Christina Applegate circa 1990), I have never wanted my legs to look like a wild animal. Yet, by the time August rolls around, when I should really be getting the most wear out of a late-in-the-season shopping binge, I am covered in mosquito bites. Even natural remedies can’t keep up with the frequency of bug bites, but that doesn’t stop me from being covered in tea tree oil… aka literally the least sexy scent ever. Can anyone say lost cause?
3. Curl Shrinkage & Other Humidity Related Tress Stresses
At least a handful of times, my curls and I have bounced down the stairs of my apartment with the bravado and sexiness of a high-paid supermodel... only to open the front door and realize I’ve made a grave mistake. It is wayyyyy too humid for these curls. With time never on my side, a stylish braid to keep the humidity at bay isn’t an option. This kept me in hats and scarves most summer days. Why do I even bother deep conditioning?!
4. That Sweet Yeast
Yes. I am a naturally yeasty person. If you’ve ever had a conversation with me in the summer you already know that. That’s how bad the humidity affects my fragile vagina. I literally can’t even have a cold brewsky at a cook-out because the fear of the yeast is that real, y’all. (I will take an Aperol Spritz, please and thank you.)
5. The Cat Callers Dressing To Stay Cool Invites
There is not a single summer day I want to go by where most, if not, all of my legs aren't showing. I want to be cool temperature-wise and I also want to show off the flawless tone of brownness that I owe all to my mother. While I will miss my short shorts and flowy sundresses, I will absolutely not miss the increase in catcalling they apparently invite.
6. Sunburns & Tanlines
I rarely escape summer without getting a very gentle sunburn. It’s usually just a slight tenderness of my skin, but I know anyone who has gotten a sunburn this summer can agree they're one of the most obnoxious things about the season. Not only can they be horribly unsightly, but they are, of course, incredibly dangerous. How can a place as fun as the beach be one of the most dangerous places in NYC?!
7. The Boils Of Summer
Every summer, I get an adorable boil somewhere on my body that I have to hide and treat. Typically, I pretend it’s one of my violent mosquito bites… no one really believes me, but my friends are kind enough not to insist I have a boil or cyst on my back. Until recently, I was convinced I was the only one on the planet getting random boils in the summer, but then my roommate confessed she too suffered from these severe warm-weather blemishes. Suddenly, more oily-skinned beauties are starting coming forward to ask the same question: Summer… why do you hate us so much?
8. AC Nipples
Since it’s a cool 80 to 90 degrees every single summer day in NYC, it’s only reasonable that you aren’t walking anywhere in a bunch of clothes. Please, I haven’t put on a bra since May; I don’t need any extra baggage. Regardless of your breast size, padding is not our friends in the summer. Yet, I’m convinced every office building and restaurant is run by a group of old perverts that want to see everyone’s nipples and that is why they insist on keeping the AC set at 50 degrees. This keeps us all lugging around sweaters in high temperatures in anticipation of freezing our nips off.
9. Wearing Makeup Is Truly A Grand Feat
In anticipation for sweating off my foundation, I started getting my face ready to “bare” all in February with a strict facial regimen and by ditching my makeup completely. For as long as I can remember, every summer brought panic of the day it would be way too hot to cover up my pimples and dark spots and I was just NOT having it this summer. One thing I forgot to take into consideration? Sweating off my carefully painted on brows every day. Yes, at some point you are only adding an extra layer of heat when you wear makeup in the summer, but not everyone is comfortable to go out bare-faced. Fortunately, I got eyebrow tattoos with a month of summer to spare. Best. Decision. Ever.
If you were feeling bummed about the dropping temps, hopefully this list of woes is enough to make you at least a little stoked for fall.
Image: Jeffrey Zeldman/Flickr; Kristin Collins Jackson (9)
