As we've turned a corner around September, I've been diving deep into back-to-school mode — at least, when it comes to my choices in movies. This means a steady commitment to John Hughes' films, which includes Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Of course that film is all about ducking out of class, but it still makes for a perfect back-to-school pick for this week's bad movie rewatch. That's because the beloved Ferris Bueller's Day Off will make you question some things when you rewatch it.
Now granted, I've never seen it before now, and it's really not a terrible film by any means. But there are several absurdities that make it a far less polished gem than, say, The Breakfast Club. Maybe it's because Cameron has legitimate serial killer tendencies, and I spent the entire film thinking that Ferris' absurd requests were going to get him to snap. Maybe it's because of the absurd lengths Ferris goes to get his day off. I mean, I don't know, I used to just heat up my thermometer with tea and that seemed to do the trick. (Then again, my faux sick days were pretty much spent watching Lon Chaney's Phantom of the Opera with a big bowl of chicken and stars soup.)
...anyway. Here are 21 wacky things from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
1. We Open With... The Blank-Eyed Corpse Of Ferris Bueller
Oh, JK, he's just pretending to be sick. That would be a twist, wouldn't it?
2. His Sister Frances "Baby" Houseman Bueller Is Not Convinced
Hey, be cool, or nobody will cover your late night rendezvous with Patrick Swayze. Don't think we don't know.
3. I Feel Like He's Curtaining Wrong
Also: just not really aesthetic.
4. I Quote John Lennon: "I Don't Believe In Beatles, I Just Believe In Me. A Good Point There. After All, He Was The Walrus."
Actually I'm pretty sure the walrus was Paul, but hey, what do I know — I only got a B+ in Baby Boomers 101. Also, something about that head wrap feels very Chandler Bing.
5. Cut To: The Ravaged Corpse Of Cameron Frye
No wait, JK, he's just legitimately sick, and Ferris needs him to play chauffeur. Sounds legit.
6. Ferris Manages To Hack Into The School Computer Using This Archaic Piece Of Junk
He's also all mad that he's the only person in 1986 with a computer. OK, Ferris, try living like that 30 years from now.
7. This Temper Tantrum
I start being concerned for Cameron's mental well being around here and never truly stop, even after the credits roll.
8. As Far As Principal Rooney Knows, That Is Sloane's Dad
But instead of reporting this potentially deeply incestuous relationship to the police or something, he spends his entire day risking life and limb to catch one smart aleck cutting class. OK.
9. The Machinations Ferris Goes Through To Make This Day Work
First of all he sets up this mannequin in his stead, and his mother somehow never questions that her son's arm is suddenly brown and plastic.
Maybe because of the top notch snoring track he set up.
But I lose it at the triggered tape for the doorbell. Like, I'm done after that. After all that effort, don't you think it would just be easier to, I don't know, visit Chicago on a weekend?
10. This Feels Inappropriate
11. THIS. ALL OF THIS.
12. Incidentally, I Think This Band Ended Up On The Soundtrack Of Every Late '90s Teen Movie
The more you know.
13, Return To: The Battered Corpse Of Principal Rooney
JK, literally nobody dies in this movie, it's annoying.
14. The Last 30 Minutes Are Just About Cameron Going Into Catatonic Shock
Or at least it feels like that.
15. ♪ Hello Darkness My Old Friend... ♪
16. Oh, And Then He Goes Full Breakdown And Hysterically Kicks His Father's Car Into Oblivion
I really hope that he gets the help that he needs.
17. Meanwhile, Baby Houseman Is Macking It With Charlie Sheen In A Police Station
Which feels like the most '80s version of hitting rock bottom.
18. And Just Noticing This Now, Is Her Shirt People Print?
And you wonder why you're not as popular as Ferris.
19. So, Ferris Manages To Get Home On Time, Proving That Despite Being Smarmy, He Is A Master Manipulator
I could do without the biting, though.
Images: Paramount Pictures via Netflix (27)