When I get weepy-drunk at parties, there are two things I talk about: the speech I'll make at my best friend's wedding, and how much I love Grease. Honestly, think about the most badass person you know; that person has starred in a high school production of Grease . It is that good. So it seems sacrilegious to make Grease this week's bad movie rewatch, as it is the greatest film of all time ... but that doesn't mean Grease is exempt from having absurd moments you totally missed.
This includes the central plot, which I will recap here for the three of you who never saw this masterpiece: Danny and Sandy are two crazy kids that fell in love over the summer, but worlds collide when Sandy inexplicably ends up in enrolling in Danny's high school. Plot twist: Danny is obnoxious and has a bad reputation to uphold. As they negotiate their romance, Danny is maintaining a gang of greasers called the T-birds, while Sandy befriends a girl gang called the Pink Ladies, led by HBIC Rizzo. Rizzo does not get enough screen time, the end.
In short, I think the subtle weirdness of Grease is evident by the opening credits, which promises a 1950s pastiche ...
... with a song written one of the Bee Gees.
Like, that is straight-up disco. But whatever, let's do this. Here's 29 absurd things from the best film on Earth.
1. The movie opens with four 45-year-old men who are ostensibly high school students.
My favorite T-Bird is Brillo Pad Hair.
2. We're introduced to Danny, who is walking sex with a dimpled chin, as he greets his friends by swiftly punching them in the balls.
Like I always do when I say hi to someone. Dating is weird for me.
Speaking of weird high school sex, anyone else believe these ridiculous sex myths growing up?
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3. New girl Sandy somehow becomes a cheerleader after being a Rydell high student for only a day. Also, she sucks at being a cheerleader.
This cartwheel is entirely subpar.
Frenchy, however, should absolutely be a cheerleader.
4. “What are you doing here? I thought you were going back to Australia,” Danny says, incredulous.
"We had a change of plans," a giddy Sandy replies, baring teeth upon teeth.
And that's it. That's all the explanation we're given as to why Sandy's family decided to move halfway across the globe to live in America, right as Sandy begins her final year of school. Which is an absolutely insane thing to do, if you think about it. I didn't go to Disney World and decide, "This vacation is so great that I'm just going to live here now."
5. "That's cool, baby. I mean, you know how it is, rockin' and rollin' and what not."
Danny decides to have a stroke in order to impress his friends.
6. The fact that Frenchy just has a vast assortment of wigs at her disposal.
Ironically, she doesn't use any of them when she dyes her hair pink like three scenes later.
7. Brillo Pad: "So what are you supposed to do with women for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day?"
Clueless Blonde: "Is that all it takes? 15 Minutes?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only realistic teenage boy in the film.
8. Patty Simcox's crazy eyes.
After this, she is going to go home and stroke a doll she made entirely out of Danny's hair.
It is quite oily.
9. Sandy ditches her boyfriend because she sees Danny suck at sports so hard.
10. Danny doesn’t want to be seen with his bombshell girlfriend, so he takes her to the ice cream place where literally every teenager in Rydell High hangs out.
To be fair, it was going to be this, the drive-in, or the back of a car. So, still the drive-in.
11. Frenchy has time to brood in an empty diner, which was populated by giddy teenagers and about a large group of people who ordered a round of chili dogs literally seconds ago.
Like, very suddenly, she's alone.
12. Well, alone with hallucinations of Frankie Avalon.
13. And a staircase of background dancers.
14. Which includes Rizzo and the other Pink Ladies, somehow.
For some reason, it took me several years to catch this.
15. Which leads me to believe that Frenchy put something weird in the red hair dye.
Like an excess of bleach.
16. Rizzo decides to nab the guy who previously said he’d pay 25 cents for her.
To be fair, it's mostly to piss off Kenickie, and we all hook up with terrible people to spite someone else. Wash.
17. Badass greaser Danny, who was previously ashamed to be seen with his cute blonde girlfriend, is not ashamed to be seen in Pepto Bismol pink.
Go and challenge those gender roles, Danny.
18. The band is like three people playing instruments and four people who just dance fancifully.
Basically, it's 1950s Slipknot.
I ship it.
20. Marty Maraschino slinks off with creepily old Vince Fontaine.
He is still somehow younger than every other student at this high school, so again, wash.
21. Literally every move during the Hand Jive.
This face stomp.
This uncomfortable Fonzie impression.
This barrel roll.
This Cosmo sex move.
This woman being dragged across the floor, about to be taken to her death.
22. "It's OK. I caught Vince Fontaine trying to put aspirin in my Coke at the dance."
A casual roofie joke that usually slips under the radar.
23. This poorly-placed swing set.
Really weird of them to put it in front of the screen at the drive-in.
24. The fact that these two don't make out after this.
25. After a banner week, the entire school year is over.
26. This entire statement on the efforts of men versus the efforts of women.
Danny, to prove to Sandy that he's changed, puts on a cardigan.
Sandy, to prove she's changed, puts on red lipstick, hoop earrings, a leather jacket, an off-the-shoulder black top, skintight pants, and red heels. She also gets a perm, gets a red manicure, and takes up a life-threatening habit.
27. Also: This. Entire. Makeover.
Still controversial years later. From a feminist perspective, how do we view this transformation? Should we be proud because Sandy summoned some confidence and rebranded herself with this new, more aggressive persona? Or do we feel annoyed that Sandy molded herself into an ideal of Danny's in order to win him over, even though he's been kind of a jerk to her the entire film? I am available at all hours to have a serious discussion about this.
Tell me about it, stud.
28. "Shoo-bop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom."
Danny has another stroke.
29. Then Alvin and the Chipmunks play in the background and they drive into the sky.
I'm not kidding. Rewatch this scene.
Images: Paramount Pictures/Netflix (42)