I've suspected it for years, but now I'm almost positive it is the case: Many moons ago, the first episode of The Hills definitely cast a memory hex on me. (I'm off to a strange start, but stay with me.) I've seen the series premiere at least eight times since the Laguna Beach spinoff first aired back in 2006 (I know, I know. So noble. I deserve a medal). You'd think I'd know the episode by heart, but that couldn't be further from the reality. Whenever I rewatch the episode, it's almost like watching it for the first time. Yeah, I remember Lauren moving to L.A., yeah, I remember Geisha House, and yeah, I remember Lauren getting in trouble at the Teen Vogue party (come on, my memory isn't THAT worthless), but that's it. That's all I've got. Classic moments like Lauren using a hair straightener to iron her pencil skirt or Heidi telling the FIDM advisor she just wants to party (i.e., moments that should be seared into my memory)? Lost in the sands of Justin Bobby's beach-appropriate combat boots. Those scenes catch me off guard every time. It's unnerving, to say the least.
So, I'm going to go with the most logical conclusion: the show must've cast a memory spell on me.
Enough is enough. This afternoon, I rewatched The Hills series premiere again. But for this go around, I channeled 2000 feature film Memento: I tattooed everything that happens in The Hills pilot to my body. (And by "tattooed everything that happens in The Hills pilot to my body," I mean "typed up some notes on my computer.") Never again will I be surprised by that pencil skirt hair straighter scene.
Here are 29 of the thoughts I had while watching The Hills series premiere for the zillionth time:
1. Who Is The "They" In “This Is My Chance To Make It All Happen In The One City Where They Say Dreams Come True”?
2. Are We To Believe LC Drove From Laguna Beach To L.A. With The Top Down?
I assume she didn't take surface streets. I assume she took the 405 or the 5. The 405 and the 5 are freeways. Have you ever driven on a freeway with the windows down? It's loud, the wind punches your eyeballs, and a bug will probably fly into your mouth. Now, imagine that experience multiplied by 20. That's what it's like to drive on the freeway with the top down. It's the absolute pits.
3. Check Out This Billboard:
This moment is almost enough to bring my old iPod back from the dead.
4. Um, Lauren Signed The Lease Before She Saw The Apartment?
So brave, so trusting.
5. I Wish LC And Heidi Made That "Get, Like, A Fire Pole" Joke A Reality
6. I Bet That Fire Pole Would've Saved Lauren & Heidi's Friendship
In that aforementioned alternate universe, LC and Heidi never stop being friends. They are too busy having a blast sliding down the fire pole to fight.
7. I Love That Lauren Conrad's Ringtone Is “Any Way You Want It” By Journey
8. Not Only Does LC Flat Iron Her Hair To Perfection On A Daily Basis, But She Also Uses That Flat Iron Like A Clothing Iron
Someone give LC an award for all of her achievements in flat ironing.
9. Oh, Whoa! Rihanna’s Debut Single “Pon De Replay” Plays A Major Role In The First Episode
Were we ever so young?
10. LISA LOVE HAS ARRIVED
*PRAISE HANDS EMOJI.*
11. “But What If LC Doesn’t Land This Teen Vogue Internship? I’m So Nervous,” I Said Never
I love the use of closeup in the job interview scene. Really builds the non-suspense.
12. This Is A Great Exchange: “Can You Write?” “Can I— Yeah.” “Good.” “Well, I Enjoy Writing.”
You can try to stump LC all you want, Lisa Love, but LC will. Not. Be. Stumped.
13. Oh, Whoa! Heidi Is The Person Who Introduces Audrina To Lauren
Were we ever so young?
The most important line from the Geisha House scene: “I really just don’t like working.”
15. Oh, Whoa! Heidi Has A Pre-Spencer Beau
Were we ever so young?
16. I Wish Someone Told Me To “Have A Seat And Welcome To Los Angeles" When I Moved To L.A.
Lauren is so lucky.
17. Heidi’s Meeting With Her FIDM Advisor Belongs In The Reality TV Hall Of Fame
Please put the following on my gravestone: “I never learned anything, I never went to school, I never did anything. I just, like, went shopping and hung out. Going out and stuff."
18. No Human Has Ever Been More Self Aware Than Heidi Is In This FIDM Advisor Scene
19. LC Sizing Up Whitney Gives Me A New Lease On Life
BRB, going to spend the next 45 minutes practicing that glare in the mirror.
20. Who Is This Olivia Character?
When Blaine says, “This is Olivia,” I panicked.
Olivia? Like Olivia from The City? I wondered. Did I forget about an Olivia Palermo cameo? If that's the case, then it's official: my mind is a useless pile of goo.
False alarm: It's a different Olivia. I did not forget about an Olivia Palermo cameo. *Wipes sweat from brow.*
21. Oh, This Olivia Is Ruthless/The Best
Olivia gives Whitney's L.A.-ified Little House on the Prairie ensemble a once over. As Olivia hands Whitney a belt, she says, "We've kind of done the Western look." My heart grows two sizes.
22. I Could Listen To LC And Whitney Gush About The Party Guest List For Hours
“Josh Duhamel is on here.” “Oh, my god. He is my love.” "Oo, and Gavin DeGraw." "AUGH!"
23. LC Doesn't Know George Costanza's Name
Yet she's familiar enough with the show to reference a specific episode.
24. Whitney’s Never Seen “The Invitations” Episode Of Seinfeld
Does she not get TBS?
25. Heidi And Audrina Straight Up Crash That Teen Vogue Party Like It’s Their Job
Oh, wait. That is their job.
26. Shoutout To All Of The Flip Phones
You're doing great work, team.
27. Guarding The VIP Section Proves To Be Too Big A Responsibility For Our Heroine
Why put your foot down when you can hold your temples instead?
28. How Dare Heidi, Audrina, And Those Random Dudes Not Scurry Away From The VIP Section The Second Lisa Love Asks Them To Move!
HOW DARE THEY DISRESPECT LISA LOVE LIKE THAT!
29. When Lisa Love Says “We’ll Talk About This On Monday,” My Life Flashes Before My Eyes
Yeah, I am well aware that the “We’ll talk about this on Monday” has nothing to do with me, but that doesn’t matter; I still feel like I'm in trouble. Lisa Love is just that intimidating.
Images: MTV (8)