I'm the kind of person who gets back together with her exes. Case in point: My current relationship. We've broken up and gotten back together so many times that not only have I lost count, but it has become a ritual every few months or so to hash everything out and explain why we're not meant to be together. But we always end up back together and the cycle continues.
I've always been one to fight for what I believe in and see it to the very end, whatever the outcome may be. That said, if you're in the midst of your ex making his or her way back into your life and you're teetering between logic and blindness, there are definitely a lot of things to consider. Whether you're hearing it from your friends or your parents, or if you feel like doing so is shunned upon, it can be easy to talk yourself out of it. Of course, you can take the opinion of the ones you love into consideration, but at the end of the day, you have to feel comfortable and happy with the decision that you ultimately make. As anyone can you tell you (especially me), you have to be able to live with your decision. Your decision to get back together should never be demonized but above all else, you need to go into it with your eyes wide open.
I spoke with sex and relationship expert Ravid Yosef on why it might be OK to reconsider getting back together with your ex, and why if you do, it's important to lay all the cards out on the table. Here are some things to think about and consider.
1. Consider What Went Wrong In The First Place
When thinking about getting back to together, you have to consider what went wrong in the first place. Ask and be honest with yourself: Why did you guys break up? Is this something that you can work on together or is it something they need to do on their own? Once you've considered honest answers to those questions, Yosef points out, that if the reason you broke up has to do with the fundamental difference in how you see the world or your lives together, then there is truly no way to fix the relationship, or them for that matter.
2. You Agree To Accept Them As They Are
However, if it's something else, Yosef says there are definitely improvements that can be made in the relationship if you're both committed to it and getting help, but, here's the kicker: "The only reason you should ever get back together with an ex is because you're willing to accept them exactly as they are," she says. "Acceptance, no matter the circumstances is the only way that you can make it when that thing that was wrong in the first place creeps up again."
3. Make Sure This Is Something That You Both Want
When deciding to get back together, and you're able to logically consider all the aspects to doing so, Yosef says that it's important to sit down and really discuss the vision of your life together to make sure that it's aligned. "Create a plan around that vision and support one another to get there," she says. "Liken your history together to a pile of bricks. You can carry them on your back and make life really hard for you or you can build a house together. But to do that you must create a life together. That's the only way to move forward."
4. Make Sure You Do You
"It used to be that leaving a relationship (more so a marriage) was shamed," says Yosef. "How do you not stick around and make it work? Today, you are shamed if you don't leave because we live in a grass is always greener society," she says. "Well, the grass isn't always greener and you should be fighting for the ones you love as much as you fight for you career, health, and life in general. As long as you're not being abused (physically or emotionally) there is no shame in fighting for your relationship and giving it a second chance."
5. Negotiate Your Plan
If you're deciding on giving it another go, you need to have a plan mapped out. "There are terms that need to be negotiated if you are considering getting back together," she says. "There needs to be a plan in place for how you will deal with the issues that you have. You need measurable goals as a couple on the things you're working on so that the results are measurable. I you don't set measurable goals for how to improve, you'll never know if you truly are and you'll go back to feeling stuck or hurt or frustrated with the relationship." It's easy to get stuck in that cycle if you don't have a plan.
6. Timing Is Everything
"Sometimes you're with the right person at the wrong time and several years later when they are in a better place, why shouldn't you reconsider? I have a friend who is getting engaged to a guy she dated years ago," she says. "It didn't work out for them back then, but now when they both grew up, they are perfect for one another."
It's always good to live with hope, but if it's not working, you owe it to yourself to move on and be happy.
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