"Into every generation a slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a chosen one." This is the monologue that opens the early original Buffy the Vampire Slayer seasons, and it is, like the early seasons themselves, decidedly cheesy. However, there is someone — or something — far scarier and cheesier than beta Buffy. And that would be the first generation Buffy Summer, the vampire slayer, as seen in the 1992 Buffy the Vampire Slaye r movie.
It'll make sense if you've never seen it — many seasoned Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans may have skipped it in their many viewings of the series because it's not particularly important to the plot of the show, and it features an entirely different tone and cast. I only own one on VHS, and spoiler alert: it's not easily streamable. But I unearthed it for the purposes of this week's bad movie rewatch, and I intend to slay it.
Warning: even through the screencaps, you will note that the film is aggressively two things. One: lacking in anything remotely scary. Two: dated. And not charmingly, "If the apocalypse calls, beep me," dated. We're talking, "Why is everyone's hair terrible, this is too much neon for me to visually process at one time" dated.
Be brave, folks. And enjoy all the (chronological) nonsense from the OG Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
1. All Slayers Are Mystically Reincarnated From Each Other?
The mythology isn't clear here, but we're given flashbacks of an early Slayer and it's just Kristy Swanson in unfortunate headwear. WEIRD.
2. WT Actual F Is This?
You can only catch it for a second, but I'm pretty sure Hemery High's mascot is a rouged up anthropomorphic pig who will inspire nightmare fuel for several weeks. He is the only frightening thing in this entire movie.
3. "I Get A C+ On The Test And He Tells Me, 'You Have No Sense Of History.' I Have No Sense Of History? He Wears A Brown Tie."
As unfortunate as that tie sounds, I'm not sure how it really applies back to history...?
4. And Then She Fawns Over This Chartreuse Leather Jacket.
Which doesn't help her case.
5. This Grotesque Make Out Technique.
To break it down, she puts a Twizzler in her mouth, jumps across the car, has them eat it between each other while they mack it, and I throw up.
6. This Sad Hair Game.
Wiggy the Vampire Slayer.
7. The Saddest Scrunchie In The Universe.
Even her boyfriend is delivering hard side-eye to this.
8. These Rambunctious Teenagers Drinking In Public.
It's Luke Perry and David Arquette, who incidentally were probably like mid-twenties in the early '90s anyway, but seriously how unhinged is Los Angeles? Vampires AND public intoxication? It's almost too much.
9. "Hey, Your Destiny Awaits You, Just Come To The Graveyard With Me And Show You What It Is."
11. This Dream Where Buffy And Lothos Are Spooning.
Isn't he supposed to be terrifying? Why do they look like they're settling in for a Netflix and chill night?
12. "Hey, It's Just Me, Wearing A Full Length Trenchcoat And Hat In The Girls Locker Room."
THE SECURITY IN THIS TOWN, YOU GUYS, MY GOD.
13. AND THEN HE THROWS A KNIFE AT HER HEAD.
Somebody just let this armed 50-something-year-old man just WALK into this school, they all DESERVE to be eaten by vampires.
14. I Don't Know Where This Is?
Is this Buffy's mansion? Is this Merrick's mansion? Either way, how did they surreptitiously install a ceiling rope in there?
15. Ooooooh My God, The Big Bad Of This Movie Has A Super Light Blonde Mustache.
That's several levels of unfortunate. Also: Pee Wee Herman to the left.
Jock Elf Edward Cullen? What?
17. You Have Fruit Punch Mouth.
18. The Spookiest Place The Vampires Could Lure Buffy Is Filled With Giant Butterflies And Ponies.
Sorry, my bad, that's a pegasus.
19. When Buffy's Boyfriend Breaks Up With Her Answering Machine.
This is LOL-worthy in itself, but I can't even imagine being so intimate with someone where they'd LEAVE me a voicemail. Incidentally, I've been dumped by text more times than I'd like to admit.
20. Had Sock Buns Even Been Invented Yet?
Get at me.
21. Presented Without Comment.
23. PeeWee Herman's 20 Minute Death.
Actually pretty great, I'll give them this one.
24. The Violin Performance, Tho? Terrible.
Just kill me already, God.
At least they got one thing about Buffy right: The girl has great hair.
Images: 20th Century Fox (26)