Monday night's episode of Vanderpump Rules was one for the books. Some reality shows have mastered the art of "nothing really happens." We watch those shows because while they might not be particularly thrilling, we want to see if something does finally happen. They are important in their own way. These monotonous shows are the figurative place settings of the table that is the institution of reality television. We need those predictable shows. They complete the dining room. But Vanderpump Rules is not monotonous. It is not a place setting. It is a steak dinner. And in order to enjoy the steak dinner—er— Vanderpump Rules, we need a knife and fork. We can't cut a steak with two more steaks.
This was a really long way of saying that other reality shows have their purpose, and that purpose is to help us appreciate the perfection that is Vanderpump Rules (and vice versa!). And Monday night's episode was yet another gorgeous steak dinner of an episode of reality television. It might've been the best steak dinner I've ever had.
1. This Exchange at a Hair Waxing Salon
It's Katie's first time getting waxed. She can't deal with the pain. After a few rounds (?), this exchange happens:
The Waxer: "On one side, half of the lip, were able to get the hair. Now, do you want the other lip to match? One hairy lip?"Katie: "I don't care. I honestly don't care. I hate this."Stassi: "So you don't want your butt waxed?" Katie: "No."Me: "I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THE WORD 'LIP' AGAIN."
2. Tom Sandoval takes Kristen to Korean BBQ
Kristen is a vegetarian. Tom Sandoval tells her the Korean BBQ restaurant he picked out will have lots of vegetarian options. Really, Sandoval? Tell me more about this mythical vegetarian KBBQ 'straunt. At the restaurant, Kristen asks the server about veggie dishes, the server says, "we have kimchi stew." I mean, that is a veggie-friendly dish but it's just one choice, SANDOVAL. Nice research, SANDOVAL. Kristen is not a fan of spicy cabbage, so she's in a terrible mood for the rest of the meal. I love this show.
3. Stassi Compliments Scheana
Scheana asks Stassi to look over her submission for Pandora's website. Stassi says it's good and then says, "This is so weird to say, but your writing style kind of reminds me of myself." I. Can't. Breathe.
4. Scheana gives Peter a Lap Dance
It's Manager Peter's birthday. The staff goes out to a club. Boss Lisa Vanderpump tells the female staff members to "do something [for Peter's birthday]. Stir it up. Have fun." Okay, Boss...? So, Scheana takes this suggestion to heart and gives Manager Peter a very aggressive lap dance. Manager Peter is shirtless while this happens. Katie and Kristen aren't comfortable with it. They make comments. In a talking head, Manager Peter says, "Katie and Kristen are ripping into Scheana for giving me a lap dance. I want all these women to give me lap dances. It's my birthday." WHAT?! Does SUR have an HR department, or is this sort of thing written into company policy?
5. Katie gets schnockered
Katie gets next-level drunk at Manager Peter's birthday party. She tells Shay that Scheana is "garbage," that he does whatever she asks of him, and that he should "grow a pair of balls and come talk to us." She also calls Scheana a "whore." Yikes, Katie. Tom Schwartz tells Katie she's out of line, and Katie starts crying in the bar. Oh dear. According to Stassi, Katie threw waters in their faces at the club. Oh DEAR. And Kristen says that Katie threw Kristen's keys in some bushes. Well, that actually made me laugh out loud. What a menace.
6. Katie's triple bun
Katie makes a hairstyle CHOICE the night of Manager Peter's birthday party: She wears her hair in three off-center buns down the back of her head. The next day, Katie shows up to a garage sale with her hair in the same 'do. Is it left over from the night before, or did she think, ROUND TWO?
7. Jax & Kristen?!
Like I said, Katie got DRUNK. During her alcohol-fueled rage, Katie reveals that she heard Kristen and Jax hooked up. This is an amazing new rumor. This rumor will take the show to "steak with a side of garlic mashed potatoes" status.
"I'm sitting in a champagne glass, Jax, and you're bragging about how you banged a 21 year old."—Stassi
9. And this:
"You should have your own ball sack cologne."—Tom Schwartz to Jax