How Important Is Sex In A New Relationship?

by Kristine Fellizar

I will admit that when it comes to new relationships, I don’t tend to play by traditional “dating rules.” Nobody has time for hard to get or chasing someone. Besides, if you want something done, it’s better to do it yourself. Games are for children. Needless to say, when it comes to sex in new relationships, I don't believe in waiting for a certain date or amount of days before you sleep with someone. Everyone is different — and so is every type of relationship. If you want to hookup after the first date and it feels right for both of you, then why the hell not?

Numerous dating experts will advise people to hold off on the sex until they’re in a fully committed relationship—if that’s what they’re looking for. Some women fear that having sex too soon can jeopardize any chances of having a relationship. But the truth of the matter is, if someone truly likes you, they’ll stick around whether you have sex one date in, one month in, or one year in. Regardless of when you have sex, it's pretty much a given fact that when two people who find each other attractive start getting together, sex is probably going to happen at one point.

But just how important is sex in a new relationship? Do you wait it out a bit for actual commitment? Or do you go with the flow and go with the intense sexual energy flowing between you two? And, how much sex should you be having in the beginning? I talked to eight experts on the subject of sex in new relationships, and this is what they had to say:

1. Renée Suzanne, Love Coach For "Smart Successful Women Who Want To Find Love"

"In a new relationship, the most important thing to address is compatibility, not sexuality. Does the other person share your lifestyle and relationship goals? If not, getting sexual can take you on a heartbreaking detour from your dreams and goals in the area of relationships."

2. Jonathan Bennett, Certified Counselor, Dating, And Relationship Coach

"In a new relationship, finding sexual intimacy is often difficult due to differences in opinions (and the resulting anxiety) about when to engage in the sexual act. That makes sexuality and intimacy in a new relationship very important. The importance comes in being honest, open, and understanding with your partner, yet still moving the relationship forward sexually. It's a balancing act, but can be done."

3. Toni Coleman, Pychotherapist And Relationship Coach

"It’s important in that you should be compatible sexually. If you aren’t, this issue will grow over time and often becomes a deal breaker for couples considering commitment. However, it should not be the most important thing or the only important thing—and too often it is."

4. Dawn Serra, Sex And Relationship Coach, And Co-host Of Sex Gets Real Podcast

Sex is easy for many people at the beginning of a relationship because from a biochemical perspective, our brains are flooded with chemicals that make us feel high. Science has shown that new relationship energy has the same impact on the brain as cocaine — and some people are addicted to that feeling, which is where serial monogamy comes in.

5. Paul Murdock, Clinical Psychologist And Director Of Theory & Therapy and Murdock Counseling Services

Sexuality is typically more important during the first several years of a relationship. Couples can rely on the excitement, passion and lust to provide energy and relationship connection. Sexuality for early stage relationships can also provide a powerful emotional release and connection that that helps young couples manage initial discord and distrust.

6. John Sovec, Psychotherapist In Pasadena, CA

Sex in a new relationship is the candy that everybody wants to indulge in. For new relationships, sex is a means to share intimacy and be playful, while also building deeper levels of trust and care. It is a great way for new couples to connect and learn about each others passions and desires. And lets face it, sex in a new relationship is wild, adventurous, and playful.

7. Eboni Harris, Relationship And Family Therapist

Usually a new relationship is where the sexuality and chemistry comes easily. The most important aspect at this phase is not to let it take over. There is already some excitement due to this being a new person and curiosity about what this could mean. During this time I think couples should spend more time on foreplay. This does not mean kissing and touching. While that is fun, I think this is a good time to have those late night phone conversations where you discuss your sexual interests. These conversations about what each of you like and don’t like can take away some of the awkwardness of sex with a new person.

8. Michele Fabrega, a Love, Intimacy, And Sexuality Coach For Men

"This depends on the people involved. Some people want to wait a bit to get to know the other person in other ways first and sex is lower on the list of priorities to explore. Others want to know early if they have chemistry with their dating partner. I think it's important that people share their thoughts and desires around sexuality even if they aren't ready to act on them yet. This gives both people key information as to whether they might be compatible sexually."

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