Have you ever considered of a cinematic world where face-melting explosions and gender equality could co-exist? In a new video from Field Day, comedians and professional BFFs Gaby Dunn and Allison Raskin star in Hollywood Solves Sexism, your new favorite fake action movie. Hollywood Solves Sexism has everything you'd want from a movie, including accomplished and well-rounded female characters who build each other up and don't tear each other down, a girl superhero without a love interest, and 98 minutes of actual ladies creating rational and thought out plans. And, basking in the brilliance of this faux trailer, I have to consider: what would it be like if women starred in all action movies?
Chaos and discord, obviously. Bros all over the internet still have their panties in a bunch about the all-female Ghostbuster reboot. That aside, if we normalized big franchises with ladies in the first place, maybe the entire action movie genre wouldn't smell so rotten. Just, like, reeking of axe body spray and testosterone.
So, why don't we just zen out, and imagine that world? Check out the video for Hollywood Solves Sexism below, and then join me in imagining what your favorite action flicks would be like if they starred a woman.
A baldheaded Demi Moore stars as Jane McClane, a New York policewoman trying to stop a heist in guise as a hostage situation. Jane's husband Hal is stuck in the midst of this situation, and even though the couple is currently estranged (he said that, as a man, he prefers long hair) she figures she might as well save his ass, too.
Former Disney queens Lindsay Lohan and Raven-Symoné join forces, taking up Riggs' and Murtaugh's badges in this delightful remake. Definitely psyched to see Lohan's Australian accent and off-the-rails performance... which, to be honest, could involve basically just filming her off set. But, whatever, guys, at least we don't have to see another passive damsel in distress.
Emma Stone as Samantha "Sam" Witwicky gets a lot more than she bargained for when she purchases her own car: turns out it's an autobot named Bumblebee, a member of a giant alien collective called Autobots. Sam promptly takes the Bumblebee to her friend Mikaela, who uses her mechanical engineering skills to dismantle Bumblee's transformative qualities. It's so nice to look past someone's cleavage and see the impressive technological mind within.
Can we just have a movie where Trinity turns out to be The Chosen one instead of being The Chosen one's catsuit wearing, decidedly more badass girlfriend?
Like, The Entire James Bond Series
All I want is to have a bevy of beautiful women portray a mastermind spy who gets to have plenty of consensual sex without any judgement, and, in fact, with reverence. I also want to see Chris Hemsworth emerge from the ocean in a white bikini a la Ursula Address. Call it reverse objectification, but I think we deserve at least that.
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
Actually, Anna Kendrick did a sketch of The Last Crusade, so let's just get Chris Pratt out of our mind for any potential reboots and go with this. All I want to see is Kendrick as an archaeology professor with several degrees that you would, like, totally love to hang with. Oh, and watching her wield a whip would just be the cherry on top.
Ah, much better.
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