Sit down your cup of aged Sumatra roast and hold onto your fedora, lovelies, because one day, you might have a baby. It may not be tomorrow — it may not even be five years from now — but if and when that day comes, you're going to want to have the Hipster Baby Name Generator handy. After all, how else will you know what moniker to choose for your little Boho bundle of joy? Created by front end developer Alex and Davey, this hipster-friendly website uses a simple four-question quiz to churn out "small batch baby names curated for your tiny human." So take a break from that fermented artichoke and pork belly platter you're noshing on and give it a go if you want to ensure your future French-New-Wave-cinema-watching tot has a name as mysteriously aloof as she is sure to be. You'll be saddled with an imaginary Ursula before you can say "craft beer."
To get started, you'll need to pick your little darling's gender: male, female, or non-conformist, which is quite possibly the most wonderfully apropos of the bunch. People can't be defined, so why should your baby have to get saddled with a label xie didn't choose so early on?
From there, you'll simply need to check off a few questions about the eating habits (does your angel crave Craft Milk?) and sleeping habits (only after a few dabs of organic lavender oil!) of your little sweetheart with inevitably side-swept bangs. And, last but not least, plug in your "mainstream" last name and — voila! — your hipster baby is hypothetically born. Although I arguably already have two hipster babies (say hello to Marlow and Bowen), I'm now also apparently the proud parent of one Zane Poppy Odie Sprankles. I better start stocking up on baby Toms for his tiny hypothetical hipster feet.
But, wait! There's more! In order to help you live your most authentic hipster life, I've rounded up a few other tongue-in-cheeks apps to harness the hipster spirit within. So crack open a PBR and get on my level.
1. The Hipster Business Name Generator
Who needs a complicated busy plan when the perfect name for your budding company will materialize with a mere click of the Hipster Business Name Generator? Not only do they come with trendy ampersand adorned titles, but you'll also get a hipster hallmark logo for free. I'm currently considering opening a hand-poured beeswax candle shop called Flame & Compass.
2. The Brooklyn Bar Menu Generator
Now that you've got your hipster business name, you're going to need an artfully curated menu of artisanal fare to complete the hipster picture. Enter the Brooklyn Bar Menu Generator. If you're in the mood for monkfish frittata with plum, for instance, you'll want to throw a cardigan over your cardigan (we hipsters love our layers!) and pedal to my bespoke cocktail bar, Anthony & Hendrix. The latter of which, coincidentally, is the name of my hipster hairdresser's ten-month-old son.True story.
3. The Hipster Album Generator
You've listened to your worn copy of Neutral Milk Hotel's In the Aeroplane Over the Sea enough times to suspect you secretly have a lo-fi artist inside of you dying to pop up in a coffee shop for open mic night or an impromptu jam sesh. Well, look no further for inspiration than the Hipster Album Generator. You now have a sound, my friend. And if that sound had a smell, it'd be Lucky Strikes and mustache hair. Mazel tov!
Images: Shigeako/Flickr; HipsterBusiness.Name; Cassch.in/brooklyn; Superfi.co.uk; Giphy