Rejoice, my fellow grammar fanatics, for today is National Punctuation Day! If you're* friends who haven't quite grasped (or simply don't care about) the concept of run-on sentences and the Oxford comma drive you crazy, today is the day to educate them without seeming like a self-righteous jerk. Well, you might still come across like a self-righteous jerk, but at least you have the excuse of a national holiday for your pedantry this time.
With all the resources of the Internet at our disposal, you'd think that people would be more correctly-punctuated than ever. Seriously — a Google search for "grammar website" returns more than 19 million results, which even I find a little excessive. Alas, a quick glance through any YouTube comment section is proof that all the tutorials in the world can't force someone to learn the difference between intensive and reflexive pronouns.
We can all agree that there are bigger problems than some 13-year-old's tragically lacking grasp of possessive apostrophes, but sometimes it's just so freakin' annoying. With that in mind, let's celebrate National Punctuation Day's 11th anniversary with 11 sentences that demonstrate the importance of proper punctuation, because there are some doozies out there. Put on "Oxford Comma," sit back, and prepare to cringe-laugh your way to the end of this post.
1. "Let's invite the exotic dancers, Batman and Robin to dinner."
Unless they have seedy pasts we don't know about, this sentence is in desperate need of an Oxford comma.
Corrected: "Let's invite the exotic dancers, Batman, and Robin to dinner."
2. "I'll have the egg's Benedict."
You might have to fight the egg for its Benedict.
Corrected: "I'll have the eggs Benedict."
3. "He helped his cousin Jack off the camel."
Oh goodness — I hope not.
Corrected: "He helped his cousin, Jack, off the camel."
4. "The girl blind after a botched surgery fought back."
In the words of George Takei, oh my.
Corrected: "The girl, blind after a botched surgery, fought back."
5. "After they learned to cook their father stopped worrying."
Wait, what did they learn to cook?
Corrected: "After they learned to cook, their father stopped worrying."
6. "No, outside food."
What did outside food do to you?
Corrected: "No outside food."
7. "Bro burgers are so delicious."
Masculinity may be fragile, but I doubt it's gotten to the point where men eat each other to absorb their powers.
Corrected: "Bro, burgers are so delicious."
8. "We're watching the 'Republican Debate.'"
This is why you shouldn't get overzealous with your punctuation.
Corrected: "We're watching the Republican debate."
9. "The movie was about Justin Bieber, a DJ and a hair model."
He only wishes.
Corrected: "The movie was about Justin Bieber, a DJ, and a hair model."
10. "I heard you're coffee order."
Actually, when I think about how much coffee I drink, it's entirely possible I turned into a cup o' joe.
Corrected: "I heard your coffee order."
11. "That person likes eating women and children."
Corrected: "That person likes eating, women, and children."