Kim Kardashian's New Birkin Bag Is Fancy & Unique on the Outside, but Inside It's Nasty

Last night, I was doing some post-Christmas grocery shopping when one of my best friends texted me a photo of Kanye West's Christmas gift for Kim Kardashian. She knows that sort of thing is my reason for breathing. The picture of the George Condo-painted Birkin bag nearly caused me to drop my phone and repeatedly run over it with a shopping cart. The bag is so intense. It's all of the art at once. If I was in college right now, the bag would be the topic of all of my Philosophy of Art class papers. Because there is so much to unpack here.

As nutzo as the painting is, the actual size is what put me over the edge. Kardashian's Instagram photo of the bag didn't include a penny or a breadbox or anything for a size comparison. I thought, "Weird painting, but at least the purse is not obnoxiously large." Alas, I thought too soon. When I saw a pic of Kardashian holding the Birkin, I started screaming in Trader Joe's. Because THE BAG IS THE BIGGEST BAG EVER.

Someone call Mr. Guinnessbook, because this tote is a world record holder. My forearm starts aching the moment I imagine lifting up that bag. As heavy as it must be when it's empty, it'd be awful to carry when it's full of garbage one day, because of course it'll be full of garbage one day. It's a purse. Everyone knows purses are just portable landfills.

What's going to weigh down Kardashian's hand-painted Birkin, you ask? Well...

  • So many empty, smashed, "will-recycle-later" Dasani bottles.
  • Movie ticket stubs. "Oh right! I did see The Croods in theaters!"
  • Parking garage/valet receipts. It's hard to avoid parking garages and valet lots in Los Angeles. The purse will reflect that.
  • Take-out menus left on her front gate. She'll forget they're in there until all of the purse-dwelling menus fuse together and become one mega take-out menu.
  • Several pairs of tangled up earbuds.
  • A bottle of clear nail polish that could break at any given moment.
  • Crushed up Life Saver candies.
  • A broken powder foundation compact.
  • A lidless Chapstick tube. The Chapstick is covered in lint and fuzz. Unusable, but she can't bring herself to toss it out.
  • Dried up lipstick. She's holding onto it until she replaces it with the same exact shade. She learned her lesson last time she threw out a lipstick before replacing it. She couldn't remember the name of the color or the brand. She spent 30 minutes staring at lipsticks in fancy cosmetics aisle before she finally settled on a color. And yay! It was the correct lipstick. Or at the very least, it looked like the correct lipstick. Good enough! What a saga. Point being: She doesn't want to go through that again.
  • Hair ties. Because you can never have too many.
  • A personal pan pizza.
  • A miniature bottle of ketchup.
  • 15 packets of soy sauce.
  • A thin layer of salt. A salt packet might've spilled in the purse? The jury is still out.
  • A sweater she hates but might need if the A/C is too low.
  • A Razor scooter for quick escapes.
  • An extra pair of Giuseppe shoes for North, just in case she loses the shoes she's wearing.
  • A bird. How did that get in there?!
  • All of the clothes Kanye West purged from Kardashian's wardrobe.
  • Baby North. Just kidding. Kardashian wouldn't actually stuff her precious baby in a purse. North might poop in the purse and ruin it.

Eat your heart out, Mary Poppins.

Image: KimKardashian/Instagram