Woo, mama had herself a night. Monday evening, Nickelodeon's The Splat debuted on TeenNick. To celebrate its arrival, I watched the entire block of programming and noshed on a bunch of '90s snack time favorites into the wee hours of Tuesday morning. As I type these very words, I am running on Capri Sun and pizza-flavored Goldfish cracker fumes. My head feels like it is enveloped in Super Aggro Crag fog. I may or may not be coming down with a bonafide fever. But hey, it was all worth it. No complaints here. Watching Nickelodeon shows from the days of yore for eight hours straight was an experience I will not soon forget.
The first round of The Splat brought episodes of The Adventures of Pete & Pete, You Can’t Do That On Television, Kenan & Kel, Ren & Stimpy, and Doug. Every last one of the shows left me with some questions. My fellow ‘90s kids, allow me to present the following inquiries for your consideration.
- Hold up, what is this mini Adventures of Pete & Pete episode?
So, we are not going to get full episodes of Pete & Pete?
- What gives?
- I mean, I won't take these clips for granted, but what's the deal?
- Nickelodeon and TeenNick gotta know that the people want Pete & Pete, right?
- Maybe The Splat will give Pete & Pete more airtime in the coming weeks?
- Why don't I shut up and just enjoy this story about Little Pete's burp issue?
- When was the last time you were in a staring contest?
Big Pete is the staring contest expert, but do you think he can hold his own in the ring?
- Am I wrong, or are staring contests to our generation what kick the can was to our grandparents' generation?
Am I the only person who didn't watch You Can't Do That On Television?
- Am I an L7 loser for not watching it until now? Because I sure do feel like it.
- Was YCDTOT even on in the '90s? *Checks Google* Aha. I see. It was on from 1979-1990.
Is Peter Cockroach the greatest name ever, yes or yes?
What was happening with that slime?
- Like, what was that made of?
- Is that a cottage cheese and egg soup?
Can I have this green shirt, please?
- Wait, am I imagining these kid-on-the-street street interviews about gas, or no?
- Were young kids really that worried about a future gasoline shortage back in the late '80s?
Why can't I stop laughing at "TRANSPERTATION"?
Am I going to have nightmares about this Barfy Burgers guy?
- Oh wait, is it Barth’s Burgers? Whoops.
- Am I going to have nightmares about that man feeding that kid a maggot-packed wormburger?
- Am I going to have nightmares about that man eating that insane sandwich?
Barth’s Burgers serves Coke and Pepsi products?
- Is Barth’s Burgers the only place on the planet that serves both Coke and Pepsi?
- I think I might be obsessed with YCDTOT?
- Is it too late to be obsessed with YCDTOT?
- Oh, another Pete & Pete snippet?
- Is Pete & Pete on Netflix? Because I gotta watch all of the episodes. These brief clips will not do.
- I still know Coolio’s Kenan & Kel theme song by heart. Are you impressed, yes or yes?
How did I forget about his perfect sequined tuxedo jacket?
- Is it weird that I think it'd be nice to sit in a giant pile of cereal?
Am I the only one who is creeped out by these giant Rugrats lumbering toward the camera?
Which one is the scariest? I think it might be Tommy.
- On a scale of 1 to The Sting, how would you rate the sting in the stolen car episode of Kenan and Kel?
- Is it a nine? I'd say it's a nine.
- Do you think that chipmunk ever got over its pneumonia?
- What does Kel love more: orange soda or ham?
Is there anything more glorious than the “I DROPPED THE SCREW IN THE TUNA" courtroom scene?
- Do you think there's someone out there who has "I DROPPED THE SCREW IN THE TUNA" tattooed on their body?
- There's gotta be at least one person, right?
Where can I get a dog igloo like Porkchop’s igloo?
- Is Mr. Dink’s laugh the most beautiful sound in the history of ears?
How tall is Roger?
How tall is Doug Funnie?
Is there anyone on the planet who doesn’t ship Patti and Doug?
Is it just me, or is Mr. Bone too chill about Roger bringing firecrackers to school?
- TV turned Stimpy's brain into a toilet? EESH.
I watch a lot of TV. Will TV turn my brain into a toilet too?
Wait, are Stimpy’s eyes stickers?
- How do those eyes even work?
- Am I giving this too much thought?
- Am I too tired?
- Does Powdered Toast Man always fart when he goes to take off, or was that fart in the powdered toast commercial just a happy coincidence?
- Does Powdered Toast Man appear on the show more than once? I can't remember.
- If so, does Powdered Toast Man fart on the show more than once? I can't remember.
And finally, can we take a moment to pay respects to this majestic nostril hair?
A screencap of Ren climbing up Stimpy's nose hair is quite the lovely note to end on, isn't it? National treasures, the both of 'em.