If you’re like me there’s no doubt that you grew up with the countless Mary-Kate and Ashley movies and specials, and, come Halloween time, treated yourself to a well-earned rewatch of Double, Double, Toil and Trouble. OK, wait, I need to come clean about this: I’ve actually never watched Double, Double, Toil And Trouble all the way through… until now. And, having finally checked into the spooktastic children’s flick, I can easily say that it one of the most impressively bad Halloween movies of all time.
The problem with watching old Olsen Twins as an adult is that you notice rather quickly how glaringly bad they were as actresses (being literal children and all) and, likewise, how heavily they lean on the crutch that is “being twins.” Double Double showcases this hardcore. The film, to recap, is about the twins trying to find a moonstone to save their good aunt from their bad witch aunt. Along the way they team up with a hobo, a midget, and a gravedigger, proving that the best way to accomplish something is to talk to a lot of creepy old men.
It’s no Hocus Pocus, is what I’m saying. Still, it’s definitely worth a second glance, so here are 27 side-eye worthy moments from Double, Double, Toil and Trouble.
1. What Even Is This Mask?
I don't know of any bat that is sparkly gold and covered in star stickers, but, then again, I'm no zoologist.
2. AAAAH GOD, NO, SCARY CLOWN
DO NOT WANT.
3. The Twins Both Win The Pumpkin Carving Contest, Because Individuality Isn't A Worthwhile Thing To Recognize
The underlying theme of this movie.
4. "Mine's A Dog! Or A Fish! Maybe It's A Dogfish!"
Somebody better tip the balloon animal guy extra.
5. The Olsen Twins' Fake Laugh Here
I think they're trying to do something here, but a fake "HA HA HA HA HA" doesn't work if you're grinning like maniacs the entire time.
6. "Someone at the door, madam. Should I answer it?"
"No, I'll answer it. You sit here, and be filthy rich."
This woman has a life I aspire to.
7. This. Wig.
It's like they spent their budget on all the fake magic instead.
8. WILL FROM WILL & GRACE?
It took me like 15 minutes of "Who is that guy," before I finally just Googled my way to an answer.
9. Agatha Decides To Imprison Her Sister In A Mirror To Be Rid Of Her Forever
Instead of, like, murdering her like an actual villain.
10. Mary-Kate Or Ashley's Face, Though
What is that expression?
11. These Mom Jeans
Mmmm, it's so sexy how they come up the middle of her rib cage.
12. "Do You Believe In Magic?"
"In a young girl's heart?"
13. What Are These Halloween Costumes Even Supposed To Be?
The right costume looks like it could be some kind of hobo look (with a mask, because what hobo doesn't wear a mask), but the left makes none percent sense. That's a sparkly purple bed sheet with glove, not a suitable costume for a child.
14. Then The Twins Team Up With The Cleanest, Most Well-Dress Looking Hobo I've Ever Seen
Like his outfit borders on dapper; this doesn't seem right.
15. Academy Award Winner For Best Special Effects
Now I can see why they didn't have enough money for decent wigs.
16. This Woman Is So Impressed She Basically Has a Seizure Over It
Academy Award Winner For Best Actress.
17. At No Point During The Three Hours Of Trick-Or-Treating Did Mom And Dad Notice Their Children Switched Races
18. The Girls Want To Blend In At The Witches Gathering, So Obviously They Dress As Mice
That, and the fact that they're literal children, is not at all suspect.
19. All The Moaning And Arm Waving Seems Like A Lot Of Work For Spaghetti
It's literally the first meal you learn to make in college, guys.
20. Aunt Agatha Managed To Dye Her Hair In The Past 24 Hours
Maybe she's born with it, maybe she uses black magic to cover up her gray roots.
21. "Pull Down Your Hoods So She Won't See Us, Meh Meh Meh!"
TOTALLY. NOT. SUSPECT.
22. "We'll Have Our Cassettes On Sale On The Way Out."
Another successful CMJ showcase in Bushwick.
23. "You're Not Aunt Sophia! Her Favorite Cookies Were Cinnamon, Not Chocolate Chip!"
24. "Hurry! Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Hurry, Hurry!"
25. Anyway, Then This Guy Makes Like The House in Up
It seems silly to complain about logistics in a movie about witches, right?
26. I Throw My Hair At My Siblings When I'm Mad At Them
27. And, Finally, The Movie Ends With The Moonstone Literally Melting Away
I guess nobody is going to level up to Clefable after all.
Ah, well. Suffice to say, this isn't Mary-Kate and Ashley's most excellent outing (that would be You're Invited To Mary-Kate And Ashley's Hawaiian Beach Party), but I do recommend checking in if you need a frighteningly good laugh.
Images: Warner Bros. Motion Pictures (29)