When you get older, you realize adulthood is one big lie strung together in a lot of short sentences, typically spoken between bites of food, sips of wine, and healthy hyperventilation. Or at least that's the impression I've gotten so far. Growing up, I was always in awe of how much my parents knew about everything. They were always able to comfort me, and reassure me that everything was going to be OK, and it wasn't until recently that I realized THEY HAD NO CLUE WHETHER OR NOT EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OK. They were making stuff up, and I was buying every word. I'm STILL buying every word. (In their defense, there is also a great deal of knowledge that they passed on that was very legitimate, and not at all made up.)
Still, the revelation that a lot of adulthood is faking it 'til you make it has definitely helped me. And I now have the confidence to use the little white lies that other adults have been getting away with since, apparently, long before I was born. I always assumed that not sorting my laundry into colors and whites (and then washing it on cold-cold so nothing bleeds) was lazy non-adulting. But I've now come to see that it is adulting, and I just needed to put the right spin on it. Here are 11 white lies every adult knows how to tell:
1. "I'm Only Having One Drink Tonight."
Translation: Shots shots shots shots shots, errrrrybody!
2. "I Do My Own Taxes Every Year, Of COURSE I Don't Have My Dad Do It."
Translation: My dad is my hero. And yes, he does my taxes.
3. "There Was Tons Of Traffic Getting Here, That's Why I'm Late."
Translation: I was watching Netflix until ten minutes ago, and that's why I'm an hour and a half late.
4. "I Can't ... I'm Feeling Sick."
Translation: Or at least I will feel sick after spending an evening with you, so I'm just going to preemptively bow out.
5. "I Cannot Pick You Up At The Airport, Because I've Already Had Two Drinks and It Would Be Irresponsible."
Translation: I'm so sober, but I'm not driving all the way to the airport.
6. "I Have To Get Up REALLY Early Tomorrow Morning."
Translation: And that's why I really need to excuse myself. It's not because you're dull! It's not you, it's me.
7. "You're A Great Chef. I Love That You Cook Entirely Vegan Meals."
Translation: I always forget why I come to dinner parties at your house, because I know the food is going to be my version of inedible. Regardless, I enjoy your company enough that I can deal with the arugula salad that you made with fake cheese.
8. "I Love The Art On Your Walls. Your Taste Is Impeccable."
Translation: I have no idea about art. I don't recognize that painting, but like, the colors are nice, and maybe it's post-Impressionist. Honestly, I just know you want me to comment on it.
9. "I Insist You Let Me Bring Something This Evening."
Translation: But if you happen to not need me to spend any money, that'd be fine too!
10. "I'm SO Happy For You. You Made The Right Choice."
Translation: LOLOL good luck, I'll be here for you when everything goes to hell in a handbag.
11. "It Feels So Good To Be At Peace, And In Control Of My Life. This Is Going To Be My Year."
Translation: Do you have any red wine handy?
Images: The CW; Giphy (11)