12 Best 'Fresh Off The Boat' Quotes From Jessica

by Caroline Gerdes

While ABC’s newish comedy show Fresh Off The Boat , revolves around the life of pre-teen Eddie Huang. But, it didn’t take long for viewers to figure out who the real star of the show is: Eddie’s hilarious mom Jessica Huang, played by Constance Wu. From haggling deals at big box grocery stores, to negotiating car sales for romance, to her penchant for Stephen King, Jessica is feared, loved, revered, and totally awesome.

The mom also definitely has her hands full. She manages a household of three boys (plus a mother-in-law), works as a successful realtor, and helps out at her husband’s steakhouse — whether he wants her to or not. Jessica would be the first to tell you that she is good at everything. And, she wouldn’t be wrong. She is a boss who is always dishing out amazing pieces of advice and no-nonsense motherly words of wisdom.

Whether she’s giving Eddie the talk or negotiating the cost of popsicles on the frozen food aisle, Jessica keeps us laughing and impressed. Here are 12 of Jessica's best one liners from Fresh Off The Boat.

1. On Finances

"You know what gives me nightmares. Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook."

2. On Drama

Diedre: "Ugh, I cannot believe Jake slept with Brittany. He knew Pamercorp was using her as a plot to destroy him and take controlling interest of Melrose Place. Right, Jessica?"

Jessica: "Yes, all those white people sound like they're making lots of mistakes."

3. On Survival

'"If we get separated, try and join a white family. You will be safe there until I can find you."

4. On The Birds And The Bees

"No means no! ... Respect girls!"

5. On Romance

"Why do I want to watch money wilt?"

6. On Motherhood

"Children are never too old to be controlled. It's just like chess, children are the pawns and you are the queen."

7. On Self-Confidence

"No one seems to appreciate how good I am at everything I do."

8. On Not Having To Apologize

"I don't have to say 'I'm sorry' to him, Louis. I gave birth to him."

9. On Family

"They're family, they're coming to gloat about all of our misfortunes."

10. On Doing Things Solo

"This is not a duet."

11. On Staying Alert

"I just took a nap right now, while you were talking."

12. On Being A Baller

Evan: "What's a pimp?"

Jessica: "Your mommy, that's who."

True story.

Images: Gilles Mingasson/ABC, Giphy; LoveForTelevision, FreshOffTheBoatDaily/Tumblr