‘Real Housewives’ Relationships Vs. Real Life

I’ll admit it: Sometimes I get wrapped up in the glitz and glamour of the Real Housewives franchise. It’s hard not to. Even though I tell myself that their lives are entirely superficial and that they have day-to-day lives like that because they are profoundly loaded, I can’t but be jealous of their trips to Tahiti and their private planes and — dammit — their super fancy date nights. Because, as much as I might want my boyfriend to take me to a three-star restaurant where he surprises me over desert with a diamond necklace the size of my waist, he just hasn’t done it yet. And try as I might to wait patiently for the time when he gifts me a private island in the South Pacific, it’s most likely not going to happen. Because my life, unfortunately, not like the Real Housewives ’ lives. And my relationship? It’s a far cry from the stuff of Bravo legend.

But keep in mind that, no matter what your relationship looks like, there’s probably a lot about it that is better than a Real Housewife’s. As glamorous as their lives may appear on TV, their relationships are also chock full of problems that you, thankfully, never have to deal with. So let’s see how a Real Housewives relationship measures up to an actual one.

A Real Housewives Date Night

Dinner at a steak house where you know the owner, a private room in the back, a lot of talk about how much you mean to them, and a ridiculously expensive gift to show off your wealth — I mean, your love — in front of the cameras.

A Real Date Night

Wings at a sports bar on a Wednesday night, because you’re both starving and craving something fried. Halfway through dinner, you’re talking schedules and realize that you won’t have time to hang out this weekend because it’s chock full of bridal showers and extra hours at work. “Should we just call this a date?” your partner asks, a blob of buffalo sauce on his lip. Yes, you think. Yes, you should.

A Real Housewives Mini Break

Tahiti. Topless. On a private island where the day is somehow magically full of side trips, plates of fruit, and endless adventures.

A Real Mini Break

You take a stay-cation in your apartment because, really, when was the last time you hung out in bed all day like you used to at the beginning of your relationship? But at 8 o’clock in the morning, the dog is whining to go out, and work is calling with a crisis, and somehow you both end up sitting on the couch, side-by-side, on your respective computers.

A Real Housewives Home

You and your partner live in the best neighborhood in one of the best houses on the block. You spent at least $500,000 on cabinets and made sure that you have more bathrooms in your new home than any of your friends do.

A Real Home

You and your partner saved for almost a year to have enough to pay for the first and last month’s rent, the broker’s fee, and the deposit on your place. Sure, it’s snug, and the front door jam is rotting in the corner, and now that the weather is turning cold you’re pretty sure you can hear mice in the walls, but, no matter where you are in the place, you love that you can always hear your partner nearby, turning the pages of a book or laughing out loud to old episodes of The Office.

A Real Housewives Night Out With Your Friends

There will be drama, so you come prepared with printed out emails, and your partner who is ready and willing to stand up to your friends on your behalf. Halfway through, though, he’s flirting with your arch enemy and calling you a very derogatory term under his breath.

A Real Night Out With Your Friends

You meet for beers at your local watering hole. Your friends already know and love your partner because they’ve been your friends for years. And none of them is your arch enemy, because who even has those IRL? You all drink too much, convince each other to stop at the diner on the way home, and eat M&M pancakes until you puke. Your partner holds your hair because #chivalry.

A Real Housewives Relationship Timeline

Two to three years max. The length of the relationship is inversely related to the amount of money you have, and the difference in age between the two of you.

A Real Relationship Timeline

You two are still going strong, despite life changes and rough patches. Your staying power is directly related to how long you live together before getting married, how well you work through conflict, and how happy you make the other person.

It’s not so bad, really, this relationship you’re in. Sure, there aren’t nearly enough Gucci handbags as gifts or couples' massages as you’d like, but there is plenty of love. And that, my friends, is the real deal.

Image: Bravo; Giphy (10)