I feel awful that four months living in New York I STILL haven’t gone to the Coyote Ugly Saloon. Truth is, I’ve watched and rewatched the campy 2000 film MANY times over. Because although Coyote Ugly is a delightfully ridiculous film, and I have to give it snaps because I am also a girl from central New Jersey who recently transplanted to New York… I just do this for money instead of dancing on bars. Either way, it makes for the perfect subject for a movie rewatch.
The plot of Coyote Ugly is so gloriously cliché-filled that you already KNOW the story. Shy little Violet moves to New York to become a songwriter and is dismayed when she’s rejected at every corner. She finds a new home in an outlandish bar called (wait for it) Coyote Ugly, blossoming into a jukebox hero in snakeskin pants. All the while her job-juggling boyfriend keeps pushing her to overcome her stage fright and perform her own music. Will she overcome her fears and become a New York success story? (Duh. Of course she will. That's not even a spoiler alert because you probably already knew that.)
Let's break it down. Enjoy:
1. HEY, SOUTH AMBOY, WHAT UP
Let me tell you a secret: Your girl Mary Grace lives about two NJ transit stops away from here. You get a good train, it's about a 45 minute trip. So there is no reason that one, New Yorkers should be treating it like it's Piedmont, North Dakota and two, Violet should be starting her life there with the streets smarts of a toddler. NO EXCUSES.
2. "That's 20 Years Of Girls Leaving Town. Let's Hope You Have Better Luck Than They Did."
"Because, you know, nobody gets out of here without battling the evil dragon guarding the New Jersey turnpike, and let's just say it's Dragon: 20, Girls: 0.
3. SUNSET PARK___KING SIZED BEDROOM___GREAT LIGHTING___$2000
Honestly, I think you should just jump on it, you're not gonna get a better deal in New York than that.
4. ALL THE MONEY SHE HAS NOW
Gifted from her friend, which she didn't initially accept. Dude, you're not accepting free money, you're NOT GOING TO SURVIVE.
5. Literally The Calling
Oh, you don't remember The Calling? This song was vaguely familiar and totally Google-able.
6. If You Squint Closely You'll See She's Wearing What Looks Like Britney Spears' School Uniform From The "Baby One More Time" Video
The question is, why?
7. "I've Never Had Anyone Stare At My Ass For Half An Hour, So I'm Gonna Say Good Night."
OK, but seriously, somebody is following you for 30 minutes and you don't get out your crow bar after the first 15?
8. Classic "Robbed On Second Day In New York" Scene:
"Oh no, they spilled all the cheetos!"
"Oh my God, they read my diary!"
"SWEET MERCIFUL ZEUS, THEY ATE ALL THE PIZZA ROLLS."
9. Violet Gets A Free Slice Of Pie For Looking Like A Wounded Cocker Spaniel
They charge $6 for a slice at the place near my apartment, so I should give a "dejected Sheltie" gaze next time I stop by and see what happens.
10. OK, But Tyra Banks Is Barely In This Movie
She's in all the promotional materials, but she gets like four lines and five minutes of screen time total. Like, she is very BARELY a part of the festivities, she just leaves for law school and serves as the catalyst for Violet's adventure.
Enjoy this ridiculous outfit, though.
11. This Scrunchie, Though
Even in 2000, this was passé.
12. Later That Night Violet Learns What It Truly Takes To Be A Coyote
Wasting expensive liquor.
13. Justin Timberlake And Dustin Diamond's Lovechild
Can't unseen it.
14. "Devil Went Down To Georgia" Comes On And The Coyotes Have To Do Some Kind Of Synchronized Dance
So my understanding is that this bar is about as badass as Johnny Rockets.
15. "I'm Sending My Fashion Coordinator There To Take You Shopping."
"Your style isn't really early-2000s-trash enough."
16. Twist: The Fashion Coordinator Is The Blonde Russian Coyote
So, there's that.
17. Classic Clothing Montage Scene
Of note, where is she finding the money for these clothes? Wasn't she just ROBBED 48 hours ago and couldn't scrape up money for a pie?
18. In Any Case, She Shows Up Wearing A High Neck Muscle Tee Like The Day Before
19. Her Expression After A Tequila Shot
20. Violet Auctions Off Her Non-Boyfriend For Money, Who Then Strips As Women Amble Wildly About
It is so eye-searingly awkward that everyone basically becomes Michael Cera in that moment and I won't relive it.
Anyway, he's bought out by these women who are definitely dressed like regulars.
Deandra Reynolds is pissed.
20. Just Want To Point Out The Girl WHO GOT ROBBED 48 HOURS AGO Is Counting Money In The Street
21. Just Want To Point Out That The Girl Who Got Robbed I KID YOU NOT, 48 HOURS AGO, Has Just Casually Been Leaving Her Window Open
I can't with this one.
22. The Fact That This Terrifying Altercation Is Pacified By Karaoke
Like, an entire riot, calmed down by a Blondie sing along.
23. This Entire Seduction
Which involves throwing her pink pastel jean jacket on James Dean's (?) head.
And stripping down this outfit that's already basically underwear.
24. This Cut Scene Where The Coyotes Play Baseball And This One Goes Topless For Some Reason
25. Violet's Dad Shows Up At The Bar While The Coyotes Are Having A Sexually Charged Water Fight To Kid Rock
My face right now.
26. This Is The Best Day Of That Blonde Guy's Life
27. Yeah, No, I Just Love Leaving My $48 Lingerie At The Bar
And it looks like the guys are just losing their neckties, how grossly unfair is that.
28. Classic Insecure Boyfriend Scene That Undermines Girlfriend's Career
Classic argument back where girlfriend is basically like, "You flip burgers for a living."
29. She Feels Really Bad About It So Later That Night She Does Some Light Witchcraft
30. When Violet Cuts Across Four Lanes Because Of Her Stage Fright
And then again when she changes her mind.
31. And When She Auctions Off Her Father, The "Most Handsome Little Hottie In The Place."
That's a proper way to refer to one's parent.
32. "I'm A Coyote!"
We're cutting you off, dad.
All things considered, though, I'm definitely about to take another shot and head to Coyote's drinking well. Awoooo?
Images: Netflix/Buena Vista Pictures (49)