'Tis the season to be jolly — unless, of course, you're harboring a Santa-sized grudge against someone. In that case, 'tis quite possibly the season to exact revenge, and what better way to get that message across than by mailing your enemy a lump of coal. Thanks to the Naughty Coal Box, a sooty chunk of carbon is no longer just an idle threat made by parents on behalf of Mr. Claus. Rather, it's a clever way to tell your nemesis, in no uncertain terms, that they definitely didn't make your nice list this year. And, at only $7.99 and wrapped in a deceptively charming Tiffany-style box, you're sure to get a wealth of revenge from this affordable, saucy sercy.
In case you're wondering if this gift could be a good fit for the person in your life you love to hate, here's the pitch:
Did your boyfriend sleep with your sister? Your dad steal your weed? Have your kids been extra sh*tty this year? Did your boss stiff you on your bonus check? The lucky bastard that you are gifting this to probably deserves a swift kick in the ass, however, this fossilized turd will do. Christmas is the time of giving so give that special sh*thead in your life something to remind them just how big of a dick they are.
If your enemy falls under that wide-arching umbrella, you're in luck.
But perhaps a lump of coal just doesn't fit the vision of revenge that's been dancing in your head along with those fabled gum drops. Maybe you crave something slightly more poetic. Heck, maybe you figure that since you're essentially adding yourself to the Naughty List by doling out a malevolent gift, you may as well go all in and send something really wicked. Either way, I've got you covered. Here are a few other horrible things you can ship to your enemies for the holidays (although seriously, I wouldn't recommend doing it).
Remember earlier this year when the world realized they could send their enemies glitter? Ah, 'twas a lovely epiphany. Countless angry souls quelled their craving for vengeance by having the "herpes of the craft world" shipped to their un-loved ones. Of course, the joke was on them if they happened to ship this revenge gift to someone like me who thinks the universe could always use a little more glitter. Still, when you can send the OG Glitter Bomb for less than 10 bucks, it's worth the gamble.
2. 1,000 Live Worms
Ick. Ick, ick, ick. OK, so obviously I fall into the target demographic of people who would hate to receive a wriggling box of 1,000 live superworms. You're welcome for that, enemies o' mine. However, I imagine there is a certainly portion of the population who would love to receive these squirmy little suckers — namely fishing enthusiasts. So just make sure your enemy isn't one of those before opting for this $22.49 box of invertebrate ickiness. If they are, I'd err on the side of caution and send them glitter instead. Eh?
3. A Box of Melted Chocolates
What kind of deranged soul would purposefully send someone melted chocolates? For shame! A sick, twisted being who knows the grief it will cause their mortal enemy, that's who. If you want to cause eternal (well, at least half an hour's worth of) unrest to the person who has wronged you, look no further than a box of melted chocolates. It seems sweet at first, but this gift is definitely anything but. This bit basically turns you into the Bad Santa version of Forrest Gump.
4. Horse Spring-Rolls
Speaking of chocolate (sorry, couldn't resist), why not gift your arch nemesis a formerly steaming pile of horse poop? That's right, friends. "Spring-rolls," in the crudest sense, is code for turds. You can ship the dillhole in your life a handful of sh*t, which is about 1 1/2 pounds, for $14.95. Or, if you're feeling especially feisty, you can send them a sh*tload of sh*t. As for me, I really appreciate I Poop You 's hipster-style poop packaging.
5. A Snake in the Grass
Now this, this is poetic. You can literally give the snake in the grass in your life an actual snake in the grass. Don't get too excited, though — the snake isn't alive. After all, you don't want to kill your enemy; you just want to scare the pants off of them. This will definitely do the trick! At 50 bucks, it's a bit pricey, but c'mon. Can you imagine your enemies face when they open the box to find a road kill snake corpse staring back at them? That, wrathful readers, is priceless.