7 Harry Potter Quotes That Are Way Dirtier Than You Remember

The final installment the series came out when I was 16, and every year since then, I've reread the Harry Potter series many times. This means that, while I was roughly the same age as the characters during my initial reading, I've since been able to return to the series and have read it through new, adult eyes. And these new adult eyes are way more in-tune to sexual innuendos in Harry Potter that younger me missed the first time around.

Seriously people, this series can be filthy. If I had actually gotten some of these jokes the first time around, I would have blushed and gone to confession like the good Catholic girl that I was when I was younger. (I, of course, would also have to explain reading a book about wizardy and witchcraft.) From jokes about wandwork to a planet joke that wouldn't be out of place in a high school locker room, I can't believe I missed half of these growing up.

Below are my seven favorite sex jokes in the Harry Potter series, though I'm sure I'm probably missing a bunch of equally great lines. I guess my next reread will have to be devoted to keeping an eye out for innuendos.

1. "Oh, Professor, look! I think I've got an unexpected planet! Oooh, which one's that, Professor?""It is Uranus, my dear," said Professor Trelawney, peering down at the chart."Can I look at Uranus, too, Lavender?" said Ron.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I totally didn't get this joke when I was 12 (I lived a very sheltered life). Well, you might have been able to fool me when I was 12 J.K., but I'm now older, wiser, and have a much dirtier mind, and I'm calling you out on this. (This line is extra dirty/funny considering Ron and Lavender's future relationship.)

2. "What's happened to you?" asked Harry, for Hermione looked distinctly disheveled, rather as though she had just fought her way out of a thicket of Devil's Snare. "Oh, I've just escaped — I mean, I've just left Cormac," she said. "Under the mistletoe," she added in explanation, as Harry continued to look questioningly at her.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Basically, Rowling is asking us to imagine our beloved Hermione Granger getting groped by the terrible, IMHO, Cormac McLaggen under the mistletoe at a holiday party. Get a little butterbeer in old McLaggen and apparently he gets quite handsy. The Devil's Snare is no joke, so if McLaggen was that bad then I hope our girl handled him the same way she handled the Snare in the first book.

3. "This isn't your average book," said Ron. "It's pure gold: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches. Explains everything you need to know about girls. If only I'd had this last year I'd have known exactly how to get rid of Lavender and I would've known how to get going with... Well, Fred and George gave me a copy, and I've learned a lot. You'd be surprised, it's not all about wandwork, either."

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

It really shouldn't come as much of a surprise that Ron would be chosen to deliver some of the novel's best innuendos. I love the idea of Fred and George sitting Ron down, giving him this book, and teaching him all about charming witches, with and without the use of "wandwork." Also please, note that Ron has decided to give Harry this book as a gift mere days before he embarks on a quest to save the entirety of the wizarding world. Obviously,17-year-old wizards are no different from your average sex-focused 17-year-old Muggle boys. Remember boys: It's not the size of your wand, it's what you can cast with it.

4. "Remember old Fleur Delacour?" said George. "She's got a job at Gringotts to eemprove 'er Eeenglish "

"— and Bill's been giving her a lot of private lessons," sniggered Fred.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Bill, you dog, you. "Eemprove 'er Eeenglish," is that what the kids are calling it these days? Considering Fleur would eventually become Mrs. Bill Weasley, you can bet these two were up to a little bit more than English lessons. Not that I blame either of them: Fleur is a gorgeous French half-Veela, and Bill is a long-haired, adventurous professional curse breaker. Why wouldn't they be all over each other?

5. But unbidden into his mind came an image of that same deserted corridor with himself kissing Ginny instead ... The monster in his chest purred.

Harry Potter and the Half -Blood Prince

One of my favorite reoccurring images of Half-Blood Prince is Harry's inner lust-monster that seems to pop up whenever Ginny is around. When some people try to deal with their sudden raging hormones, they may feel jealous or infatuated. When Harry starts to deal with his raging hormones, he feels like he has some sort of insatiable beast living inside him that will only be satisfied when he has ripped his competition limb from limb and has claimed his mate. I'm sure there's some really fantastic dirty HP fanfiction out there that makes great use of Harry's inner lust-monster, just as Rowling probably intended.

6. "Have you been spying on him, too?" said Harry indignantly. "What d'you do, sneak up here in the evenings to watch the Prefects take baths?""Sometimes," said Myrtle, rather slyly, "but I've never come out to speak to anyone before."

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Let's just take a moment to appreciate the general weirdness of this scene. Our currently naked 14-year-old hero finds himself watched by a ghostly peeping tom who travels through the plumbing to apparently spy on teenagers taking baths. I repeat, there is a ghost floating around Hogwarts watching you in the bathroom. And the best part is, Myrtle is pretty brazen about the whole thing. She's like, "Yeah I watch hot Prefects while they're bathing, wouldn't you?" Myrtle, you are the thirstiest ghost in the HP series.

7. "Not this brave at night, are you?" sneered Dudley."This is night, Diddykins. That's what we call it when it goes all dark like this.""I mean when you're in bed!" Dudley snarled.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

I know that this part isn't technically supposed to be dirty, but come on. Dudley's nickname is now Big D? Harry has adorable pet names for him? Dudley talks about being brave in bed? I can't possibly be the only reader to snicker at this scene. Luckily those dementors show up, because this whole scene reads like it's about to become some sort of Harry/Dudley slash fiction. Which, if you're into that, there's definitely plenty of fuel in this exchange to launch your Harry/Dudley ship.

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