I am the queen of regrettable drunk texting — especially when I'm at home for the holidays and bored and wearing my high school Uggs and my college sweatshirt and everything is memory and I feel like Grizabella the Glamour Cat from Cats: The Musical who limps around the stage in a bedraggled coat singing about how once she was beautiful and she had a million boyfriends. However, I am returning home prepared this holiday season, with several of these apps to keep you from contacting your ex downloaded on my phone. I also have an arsenal of outfits that make me look like a real person and not a hobbit, so there's also that. Not that there's anything wrong with looking like a hobbit; I just think it will help in my own personal struggle not to drunk text everyone I know if I gussy myself up a little bit. Sort of like how some people work from home better if they dress like they're going to an office.
The holidays are a particularly tough time when it comes to avoiding falling down the ex rabbit hole for a few reasons. It's a time of traditions and memories; you're faced with a whole lot of "down time"; and there's usually way too much alcohol involved. Plus, how many movies feature lost loves reuniting just in time for Christmas? I don't have an exact count, but by my calculations, the number seems to be limitless.
So, my sweet babes, just do yourself a favor and install at least one of these before an entire photo album of your ex bringing their new SO to family holiday celebrations shows up on your newsfeed and you end up texting them "miSs yuo" at 3 a.m. Don't. Don't do that to yourself.
1. Eternal Sunshine
This Google Chrome extension hides all evidence of someone from your Facebook newsfeed, without actually having you defriend someone (which always comes off as passive aggressive and weird, right?). Named for the movie that always hurts my heart, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, the extension functions as a magic eraser — every single one of your ex's updates are gone, and they're wiped from your chat list and suggested photo albums.
2. Drunk Mode
Drunk Mode is an app that lets you block specific contacts for up to 12 hours. Designed for people out on the town, it is also very helpful for those of us who are in fact staying in from the town, especially when the town is comprised entirely of your married high school classmates.
If you try to disable the app, which is available for both iPhones and Androids, before the designated time limit is up, you will be asked several difficult math questions to determine your level of drunkenness. A cruel and unusual punishment? For sure, but also very, very helpful.
If you do decide to brave the local hometown bar but you can't bear the idea of seeing your former high school flame, download the app Split. You enter the person you're trying to avoid, and the app will let you know if they're nearby, if they've joined any events you're attending on Facebook, or if they're with a group of your friends. If the situation becomes dire, the app will even provide you with an escape route. Is it a little creepy and spy-y? Yeah, but, like, you're doing this to avoid a person, not find them.
Warning: Don't get your hopes up about this one because it's, um, fake. It's also the best idea ever, though, so I'm sharing it anyway. You may have heard about this app when it "launched" in September, because it's a genius invention and the Internet was collectively delighted by it: Nickelblock plays Nickelback songs every time you try to look at your ex on Facebook. It's genius. Hoe is this not a real app yet?!