Deadspin Editor, purveyor of all things illicit, and the person who introduced the world to Brett Favre's cock, A.J. Daulerio once wrote an interesting Jezebel article titled "Hey, You: Bring Back the Handjob." He makes a case for the good old-fashioned HJ, and takes us back to a time of innocence when you were still making out in your parents' basement and ditching class.
I have to thank Mr. Daulerio for enlightening me. I didn't realize guys were so jonesing for handjobs — I always go straight for the BJ, because usually that's what the guy wants and I've never been instructed otherwise. But then I met a guy we'll call John who lives for HJs, BJs, and any other sort of activity that requires direct attention to his member.
I'm happy to lavish such manual attention in the form of that old high school standby, but there’s only one problem — sore arms. I probably should just do more tricep dips but unfortunately my trainer is really focused on squats right now. Thankfully, at a recent magazine party, I scored some swag in the form of a Tenga Egg sex toy, which is basically a textured, single-use masturbation sleeve that, with the help of lube, slides over the penis. I don't exactly have a penis, but John definitely does. Seeing as he thinks about his junk all day long, I figured he would enjoy this little toy. Though it's meant for solo use, I wanted to try it on it him, like a deluxe hand job.
I opened up the egg case and pulled out our little silicone friend. Pouring in the lube, I couldn't help but get excited. Would this be the end to my sore arm problems? Would John find this even more enjoyable than a regular hand job? The toy was really starting to work its magic until John looked over and saw that I had the same look I have on my face as when I'm at a shoe sale. More Elle Woods than Jenna Jameson. It wasn't exactly my sexiest look but what can I say? I was excited I finally had some help in the HJ department.
“What does it feel like?” I asked.
“Like a cross between a hand job and a blow job,” he replied happily.
I was going at it with a renewed sense of vigor and purpose when the egg ripped — right in the middle of my stellar performance! I was crestfallen. I was positive John was going to make it to the finish line thanks to the Tenga, but we surmised it was only meant for smaller penises, and we decided to try a bigger size next time. In the meantime, I just finished the deed the old-fashioned way.
The experience got me thinking, what about other male sex toys? Intrigued, we decided to try the Power Gripper Vibrator Attachment It’s a silicone penis sleeve designed to attach to the classic Hitachi Magic Wand Vibe. Two days later it arrived in the mail and John was eagerly back over to try it out. After some warming up to get him hard, I lubed up the sleeve, slipped it over his penis, and started up the vibrator. He looked perplexed.
“This is weird,” John said succinctly.
“I’m having a hard time moving this sleeve up and down your dick. It’s like stuck or something,” I said, frustrated.
“Is it supposed to stay in one place?” he asked.
“I don’t think so. The whole point is that it’s a masturbator. Do the vibrations feel good?”
“Vibes do not do anything for a dude’s dick. At least not mine.”
He looked as excited as I might during a football game; which is to say not at all. Admitting defeat, I turned the massager off. At least I could use it later, sans attachment, to massage my, um, shoulders. This particular toy didn't work best for us, but perhaps on a smaller penis it would be better? Hopefully I’ll never have to find out.
Last but not least, we decide to try a prostate massager. The prostate is like the male G-spot — I'd heard prostate orgasms are super intense for guys (gay men don’t have the monopoly on nerves on their prostates) and I was eager to try it with John. He initially resisted the idea, like many heterosexual guys do, and he was more nervous than I was when I got my IUD put in. Clearly this was going to take some coaxing. So I warmed him up by going down on him and before I knew it he was hard. Once he was ready and comfortable, I put the massager in.
“Go slow!” he squealed.
I moved a little more slowly before it was finally in. As I was going down on him I twisted it slowly to make sure I was hitting the right spots.
“Oh my God,” he said breathily. “That thing is amazing!”
The power I had over him was intoxicating. I kept going increasing the intensity of both the blow job and the prostate massager.
“I’m gonna come!” he said.
And come he did. It was glorious. Like I had just won the Olympics of blow jobs. So it took a little trial-and-error, but if this is what male sex toys are about, then I'm all in. Additional stimulation, more variety, hand jobs without sore arms, and blow jobs that went from earthly to out of this world. Now if I could just get something for my jaw.
Image: Bustle Stock Photo