7 Emotional Stages Of Bundling Up For The First Time This Season
Now that December is under way, we all have to get used to the sensation of bundling up for the first time in winter. Which is a pity because we all had autumn down-pat, didn't we? Cuddly fisherman sweaters in rich shades of licorice, brass, and velvety green: Check. Sweater tights looking just right paired with grunge-print floral dresses: Check. Slouchy knit hats that asked to be taken inside quiet cafes where hot chocolates were waiting: Double check. Fall was easy with its brisk breezes and crunchy leaves. All a girl had to do was get her hands on some plaid and a pair of suede booties, and she was good to go.
But with winter stepping up for its turn — well now, that's a whole other story. You've got elements to think about now. You have to balance all these formulas and variations in your head, all before your first morning of coffee. To those in the Midwest and the East, this is pretty much a cinch come January. But the first time you do it? Total disaster. Below are the seven emotional stages of bundling up for the first time this season — because you know the struggle is real.
1. Realizing, With Great Regret, That It Looks Mean Outside
Ah, that first morning waking up to the knock of winter at your door. Just yesterday it wouldn't have seemed out of place to grab an ice cream cone, and today wearing Russian furs is totally plausible. You wake up as per usual, just with your breath coming out in white puffs from underneath your blanket. It's time.
You hop out from under the covers, jumping from one foot to the other as you race to put on your heavy sweats. Goodbye stylish fall wardrobe. It's time for the fleece and goose-downs to come out.
2. Sampling Denial
It's the first frigid day, which means you've had months to forget what a solid smack of wind in the face feels like. Which, in turn, means you're bound to make some amateur mistakes while choosing your first sub-zero-temps outfit.
Sure the wind is blowing so hard that it's rattling the window. Yea, you got that. But surely some opaque tights would be enough to protect you from the elements? Surely. And perhaps... this light cardigan will be all you'll need to get on the bus to work? You convince yourself that it'll be just the ticket, and put together an outfit that will more than likely give you pneumonia the moment you step outside.
3. Hightailing It Back Inside
It took you a whole three steps down your front stairs to realize you've made a horrible, terrible mistake.
Nope. It took just one solid smack upside the head by Jack Frost to get you scrambling back upstairs and choosing something a proper adult would. Like, say, a duvet cover. With a belt.
4. Over Compensating For The Chill
Now that you had a taste of what real winter feels like, you've made it your mission to marshmallow-up. I'm talking about tights underneath long johns underneath jeans and an ill-advised moment's hesitation over a ski mask before fashion sense kicked in. You don't want to be cold, but you can't look like you're about to stick-up a bus either.
Regardless, being cold is torture, and you will not put up with it. Hence why you have enough layers on to look like you're giving the Michelin Man a run for his money. Yay for coziness!
5. Hating The Fact That You Can't Really Move Around Anymore
But being cozy comes with a price: You are now so bundled up that you can no longer bend your arms, and putting on your boots has turned into a game of wits and a test of labor. You look like a stick-figure taped onto a fridge, with your arms and legs pointing straight outward in near little lines. Wonderful.
How exactly — you wonder — does one tie a shoe without being able to reach their toes? It's up to you to find out.
6. Discovering You Are Now The Opposite Of Cold. As In, Sweaty
Ah, wonderful. The wind won't be able to reach you underneath all of these layers, but the heat won't be able to escape out, either. Which means you are now treated to the confusing sensation of having sweat roll down your back and still feel a chill sneak past your collar. You're cold and you're hot all at the same time, and you can't decide which one feels worse. As your Mount-Everest proof coat blocks out the worst of the wind, it also creates a natural sauna that'll make you look like you ran a triathlon to work once you take off your coat.
Winter is hard.
7. Vowing You'll Move To Miami And Never Look Back
We have now reached the rage-quit portion of our stages, where you're experiencing both numb fingers and sweaty backs, look about as sexy as a beige duvet cover, and are more than sure your hat hair will add nicely to the sweat stains of your blouse. And while you're tallying all these transgressions against you, you come to the conclusion (as you do every year) that you're moving to Miami (or Fuji, or New Orleans) and never, ever looking back. No more winters, no more ugly puffer coats, no more games.
And for half a moment, you believe it. Until tomorrow!