It can be very hard to see the signs you’re insecure in a relationship when you're deep into it. However, when our relationships begin to crumble, many times it becomes very easy to see insecurities were at the root of its demise. Insecurities come in all shapes and sizes — for those single and those who are paired off. The trouble with insecurities in relationships is that it starts to affect both people in the couple. Those of us who enter a relationship feeling wonderful and confident might leave it feeling more insecure than a teen with braces at the peak of puberty.
Today, with the presence of social media and our constant attachment to our cell phones, insecurities run wild in relationships. If you’re overly jealous or in constant self-doubt about your relationship to the point of anxiety, you might even be suffering from relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD), according to an article for CBS news. Now, realize there are sometimes situations were this obsession is warranted. For instance, if your partner has cheated before, and you’re feeling certain they’ll cheat again — perhaps this isn’t the relationship you should be in. However, if the insecurities are more so based on your imagination, it’s time to correct it ASAP.
After being insecure in a relationship for too long, you could find you’ve become an insecure person — it’s somehow become part of your nature. Why not trump it before it gets out of hand? Here are eight signs you’re insecure in your relationship, and some ways to fix it.
1. You Have A Constant Need To Check Their Phone
You wake up in the middle of the night and see your significant other sleeping soundly beside you. What’s your first move? If you immediately grab their phone to check up on them, this point is directed towards you. You may find yourself constantly looking for opportunities to snag your partner’s phone for a minute to see who they’ve been texting, calling, direct messaging, or the like. Sure, you might think it’s innocent to monitor what they’re doing, but this invasion of privacy is one of the major signs of ROCD. This sign of insecurity can also be apparent when you have a constant need to check their Internet history and/or drop in to check up on them in person unexpectedly.
2. You Don’t Want Them To Do Anything Without You
Feeling totally anxious at the mere thought of him or her having casual drinks with their coworkers after work? Stop right there. According to Psychology Today, in a relationship a major sign of insecurity is lack of trust. If you can’t trust that your partner can be anywhere alone without something happening, it’s time to either revaluate your own insecurities, or the relationship as a whole.
I’ve been there. I once became so obsessed with a significant other that I would get mad at him if he even considered going anywhere after work without me. In fact, I didn’t even want him to see any girl ever… like not even look at them. It sounds completely nuts, right? Bottom line though — I’d been cheated on by my previous boyfriend, and I wasn’t about to ever let that happen again. I figured if I didn’t give my new man even a bit of space to breathe, there’s no way anything could happen. Ultimately this blatant insecurity led to the end of our relationship.
3. You Don’t Want To Do Anything Without Your Partner
Think about this: Have you completely abandoned your own life, so that you can fully merge with your partners? This means ditching your friends, family and other things that were previously important to you. If so, this might be cause for an instant red flag.
It’s only natural that during the “honeymoon” phase of any relationship we want to spend a ton of time with our significant other. However, if it’s months and months down the road and you feel you can’t do anything without them, it’s likely an insecurity rearing it’s ugly head.
4. You Put Off Any Conversation That Might Be Even Slightly Confrontational
No, we don’t want to be arguing constantly with someone, but we don’t want to bottle things up either. As we all know, eventually it will lead to an explosion. According to Dr. Edward Dreyfus, a clinical psychologist, another sign of insecurity in a relationship is avoiding discussing anything confrontational that could potentially cause their partner to say anything offensive. Dr. Dreyfus also noted that in order to have an intimate relationship, confrontation is necessary.
5. You Find Yourself Asking About “The Ex” Regularly
“Do you think they're prettier than me?” “Do you ever think about them?” “Do you miss them?” These are all common questions asked by those who are insecure in their relationship, and all questions I used to ask when I was insecure in a previous relationship. By asking these questions — and hopefully getting the answers we want — we reassure ourselves that we’re worthy. But, ultimately, you have to be secure with yourself and your own worth before entering a relationship, or it will never be successful.
6. You Require Constant Reassurance That Your Relationship Is Solid
Similarly as to how you might regularly find yourself asking questions about your partner’s ex, those with relationship insecurities are also known to demand a lot of reassurance that the relationship is going well. Insecure partners regularly seek the need for approval, according to psychologist Joseph Nowinski’s article in Psychology Today.
7. You Find Yourself Encouraging Your Partner’s Failure
When we’re in a happy relationship, it’s clear we want the best for our partner. However, sometimes when the relationship begins to become insecurity-ridden, things begin to slightly change. Underneath it all, you want him or her to have their most successful times with you, and because of you. This becomes even more accurate for insecure partners when they, themselves, aren’t doing well in life. The mindset is that if their partner is doing better, they are better. Ultimately, in an insecure relationship, you can bringing them down instead of boasting them up.
8. You’re Constantly Accusing Your Partner Of Cheating
If your partner has never cheated before, or given you a reason to actually believe they’d cheat on you now, this unnecessary obsession might flat out kill ya! At the surface it may appear to be a simple trust issue, but it might be a lot more than that. In fact, it could be that you don’t find yourself good enough for your partner, and are scared they’ll find someone better. By continuing to accuse them of cheating, you might be ultimately putting a guilt trip on them to stay with you.
Let's say some of these points resonate with you in your current relationship — there’s no need to fear. First, determine whether your feelings of insecurity are warranted. Being completely realistically with yourself, if you believe your partner is actually cheating on you, do something about it.
If you find it really is your insecurities speaking, it’s time to change your mindset before you end up destroying the relationship all together. According to therapist Mark Tyrrell, to begin with put your imagination to rest — it’s likely what’s gotten you to this place to begin with. Once you stop imagining scenarios of what your partner is doing, you’ll begin to see the truths much more easily.
Tyrrell also suggests giving your significant other some breathing space, and giving yourself some too. Yes, you’re a couple, but yes, you’re also individuals. It’s OK to do things apart once in a while, and to maintain a sense of self. Another major trick is to stop allowing yourself to compare your current relationship to past ones. Finally, rather than regularly seeking your partner’s reassurance, instead seek your own. Once you start fully loving yourself, you’ll see these relationship insecurities begin to diminish slowly but surely.