You know those times when you go to sleep, thinking about things like the Grammys and how you made it through another Monday work day, and then you wake up and realize that everyone is talking about John Stamos' butt? I know it's not just me. Not on Tuesday, anyway, when John Stamos' bare butt is on the cover of Paper Magazine , putting Kim Kardashian to shame and making everyone on social media remember that Uncle Jesse hasn't aged a day since he was melting our hearts in Full House. I mean, his butt is no real indication of that; many of that have had to come to terms since our childhood days with the fact that we're very, very attracted to Uncle Jesse. However, a dedicated Full House fan might need help going through the stages of dealing with seeing Uncle Jesse's butt, because your inner child might be weeping right now. And I can understand that. I'm here to help.
The photograph, which is taken in black and white and illuminated gently in a beautiful and artistic way, features Stamos gazing past a window while wearing no pants. It's accompanied by a quick, but self-aware ( Stamos jokes that, when he wants attention, he "poses for Paper [Magazine]," which also doubles as the craziest thing he's done all year) and personal (Stamos admits that the best thing about being himself is that "this life has surpassed my ability to describe it") that will make you love Stamos even more than you already do. But there's also a butt involved, so people are losing their minds.
Gaze at the picture, take my hand, and let me help you get over this.
Why is John Stamos' name trending? Did they cancel Grandfathered? Did he do a new interview? Is he talking about Fuller House? What? What do you mean his butt is on the Internet?
Of course, the first thing you do is check and make sure that he wanted it there. Then, you know, you're curious. What does Uncle Jesse's butt look like, anyway? Now that he wants you to look, it's totally OK to look, right?
You thought you were fine, but, as soon as you saw that photo, your inner child who marathoned Full House for years is weeping. WEEPING.
Later, your roommate or co-worker will find you sitting down, staring wide-eyed at your computer, not moving. You haven't moved for hours. You haven't moved for days. You may never watch Full House again.
Never watch Full House gain? With Fuller House on the horizon? I take that back. That's not going to happen. The best way to deal with this is just to not deal with this.
Stamos is not Uncle Jesse. Uncle Jesse is not Stamos. And, let's be real, is it out of the realm of imagination that Uncle Jesse might one day bare his butt on the cover of a magazine? I don't think so.
This is about when you scroll down a little further and realize there's a whole interview that goes along with this picture. An interview that reveals that Stamos is as witty and self-aware as you would hope the man behind Uncle Jesse would be. An interview you should have read before you focused on all this butt nonsense.
Did anyone else even notice this interview? What is it with people and butts anyway? They are no big deal. (Pun intended.) Everyone has one. The Internet is such a strange place sometimes.
So John Stamos' butt is on Paper Magazine. Kim Kardashian did it. It's a new cool thing to do, and you're glad that he had that experience. You get new photos of Stamos plus a new interview with Stamos, plus you can see Stamos on Grandfathered and, eventually, on Fuller House. Life is good for a former Full House fan, and especially good for a Stamos fan. Thank you, Paper Magazine. You did good.
Image: Giphy (9)