I have to say: when I think Christmas time, I think Batman Returns. I mean, how could I not? The movie, which pits Batman against the Penguin and Catwoman, takes place in the crux of the holiday season. And I have to say — though Batman Returns is lovably bonkers, it is also oh-so-good, and my fave original Batman movie for about 12,000 reasons.
To begin with, it’s a Tim Burton movie, so you know it’s gothalicious. Number two, it has plenty of blink-and-you’ll-miss it moments that read like a romantic comedy. Like, that make-out scene where Batman and Catwoman almost expose each other’s wounds? Precious.
But more than anything, all the awards should go to Catwoman/Selina Kyle here. She is my role model in both her mousy and feisty feline forms. Though a large part of the film is dedicated to Batman’s struggle with Penguin and his politics, this is really Catwoman’s movie, and we’re all just... watching it.
That all said: This movie is still lovably bonkers, and attention must be paid to that fact. So I watched the film one more time (oh, what I trying task) and catalogued all the craziest moments you may have missed from Batman Returns. Enjoy!
1. The Awkward Moment When You Have To Put Your Baby In A Cage
And he eats the family cat.
2. But Honestly, I Wonder What It's Like Having Pee Wee Herman As Your Dad
The secret word is monocle.
3. Early '90s Or Post-War '40s?
Like, literally, it's almost impossible to decipher.
4. A Beautiful Sight, We're Happy Tonight
Walken in a winter wonderland.
5. That Portrait, Tho
6. Someone Managed To Make Michelle Pfeiffer Look Dowdy
7. So Bruce Wayne Basically Just Sits And Broods And Waits For The City Of Gotham To Need Him
An exciting life for a billionaire.
8. Pictured: Former Henchmen Of The Joker Who Got Laid Off In The Last Film
There's only so many minion jobs you can pick up when you've chosen a life a crime.
9. "The Batman. Or Is It Just 'Batman'?"
Legit me flirting.
11. OH MY GOD, DANNY DEVITO.
I LOVE YOUR WORK!
12. So Is His Blood Black Or Something?
Or has a lack of dental hygiene just led him to this dark place?
13. "Honey, I'm Home."
"Oh, I forgot, I'm not married."
14. Selina Has A Unicorn Stuffed Animal And More
So it's good to know she's adulting successfully.
15. Ugh, When Your Boss Throws You Out Of A 10-Story Window
I hate Mondays.
16. Inexplicable Cat Resurrection?
Inexplicable cat resurrection.
17. This Transformation From Barbie Dream House To Hot Topic
Featuring what I think is a literal Barbie dream house.
18. So We're Just Going To Believe That Selina Can Construct A Catsuit With Nothing But Thread, A Raincoat, And A Dream?
Yeah, that's realistic.
19. Just Casually Eating Raw Fish On The Campaign Trail
Still less than a political disaster than Donald Trump.
20. The Nose Biting Is A Bit Much, Tho
This is a children's film.
21. The Guards At Shreck's Don't Think To, Like, Call The Police
They deserve to have the place blow up.
22. "Why Don't You Come Over And We Can Watch It On TV? The Tree-Lighting Ceremony."
Batman's trying to tree-lighting and chill.
23. "It's The So-Called Normal Guys Who Always Let You Down. Sickos Never Scare Me. At Least They're Committed."
Literally what they're going to put on my tombstone one day.
24. Me Getting Air Dropped Into A Green House And Losing One Of My Nine Lives
25. The Penguin Campaign Is Still Going Strong After Nosegate 1992
Can't stop, won't stop.
26. Selina's Curl Mohawk
Is this entirely ridiculous or am I in love with it? I can't tell.
27. Me When My Boyfriend Reveals That He's Actually The Dark Knight And My Mortal Enemy And I Have Major Creys About It.
OK, now it's just getting scary.
28. Anyway, Then Penguin Adopts All The First Born Sons Of Gotham City In Efforts To Throw Them Into The River Like He Was
It's Christmas, bro. What, have you lived underground your whole life?
29. And Finally, Literally All This Weirdness With Penguins
Including this touching viking funeral they give him. Beautiful.
Let's be real: It wouldn't be the holidays with Batman.
Images: Warner Bros. Pictures (39)