OK, so I understand that The Bachelor is a reality dating show and, therefore, *should* and pretty much always does include some realistic aspects like women who actually want to get married and drama that isn't scripted. With that, it isn't unrealistic to see some wacky apples in the bunch, or, at least, women painted to look like wacky apples. (Or onions if they're Ashley S.) For example, looking at The Bachelor Season 20 bios, there are some hilarious moments in each lady's notes whether intentionally funny or simply silly (looking at you Chicken Enthusiast). There has been a sharp increase in the number of eccentric contestants over the years, so it comes at no surprise that Ben Higgins has some interesting contestants vying for his love.
Over the course of 20 seasons, fans have watched some truly hilarious ladies parade out of those limos, carrying fake organs, pig noses, and poorly-rhyming raps. But, that's just the spectacle of the show. After the bios are picked apart, and the limo night first impressions over, many of the women become less nervous and aren't edited down to just a silly soundbite. They become real people invested in the journey. Still, that doesn't mean their bios aren't fun to read, since that's exactly what the producers intend. Sure, they introduce us to the women, but they also give us pretty hilarious facts about each one that will stick in your head all season long. Here's the best, weirdest, funniest, coolest of the bios, starting with our leading man.
Fans already know that Ben H. is next to perfect, what with his height, full head of hair, love for his family, etc. But his bio's just as funny as the rest. It seems like it was written about him rather than by him, which would explain why this part is so awkward: "Since appearing on The Bachelorette, Ben’s life has changed dramatically. Adoring fans approach him in restaurants and young women wait outside his house for a chance to meet him." Yikes! Hopefully his future wife doesn't mind his adoring fans. And, hopefully she's also a fan of "basketball, hiking, fishing, and stimulating conversation."
This list of accomplishments and cute tidbits in his bio (he’s writing a novel and loves spending time with his children) were perfect, and now I really wish Chris Harrison was the Bachelor. Always. #ChrisHarrison4Prez
This 25-year-old mother to two girls seems like a pretty chill gal, but you know what is decidedly unchill? The most outrageous thing she’s ever done. She “hiked 12 miles to a waterfall in Kauai” (cool) “in a thunderstorm” (scary AF). Damn, girl.
Pro: Her favorite movie is Lion King, just like mine, so she clearly has impeccable taste. Con: Her greatest fear is “loving someone and them not loving me back,” which, for this two-time Bachelor/Bachelor in Paradise contestant, seems a little bit nonsensical. Although, to be fair, they re-used her Chris Soules' season bio, so she hadn't had her heart broken on national TV (twice) yet when she wrote that.
Another boomerang contestant, Becca, who can’t live without “food,” definitely seems like a decent person. However, I am a little worried about her hearing. She said that her embarrassing moment was when a guy asked what kind of gas she liked, and she thought he asked “what kind of guys do you like?” Sweet, sweet Becca went on to answer, “Tall, dark, and handsome." I stand by the fact that what kind of gas do you like is still a weird question to ask in the first place.
When the question of what kind of fruit or vegetable she would be was posited*, Breanne answered “a carrot." Why, you say? Because they're “sweet and sassy — and bright, because I am outgoing.” Though I don’t quite understand the correlation here, perhaps this nutritionist knows more about some very loquacious carrots out there that we’re all just missing out on.
*SMDH, producers, if this is the best question you can ask.
Caila’s idea of date turn-offs seem normal, until we reach one that seems oddly specific. “I hate it when my date … gets too cheesy that it seems fake, like, ‘Here is a leaf on a bush we passed on our first date because I’m a romantic guy.’” Are you dating Edward Scissorhands, Caila?
“Occupation: Twin.” Say no more.
“Occupation: Twin.” #Prayers4TheTwins
Graphic designer Isabel “doesn’t love to read” (groan) but, BUT, she did take a crack at it. Her choice of groundbreaking literature? “The first 150 pages of Fifty Shades of Grey,” before she moved on to the film version. OK.
This woman is a gerontologist. I had to Google that word. It means someone who studies the social, psychological, cognitive, and biological aspects of aging. Impressive, even if it's not an immediately understood job.
This girl seems pretty solid judging by all of her answers, but her fantasy of how she would spend her lottery money is a tad bit alarming. Jami says she would first go on a cruise, and then use the remainder of the dollars to buy a house for she and her friends to live “like Entourage.” You want to live with a slew of neurotic, narcissistic misogynists? To each their own, I guess.
Jennifer made commendable choices with who she would want her fantasy dinner companion to be (Amy Schumer), but when pressed for what she would order? "I’d be too nervous to eat... I’ll have what they’re having!!” Schumer wouldn’t stand for that kind of equivocation.
You want to know what doesn’t add up to me, accountant Jessica? Greatest achievement: Passing all four parts of the CPA exam in six months. All-time favorite movies: Dodgeball, Transformers, Sleepless in Seattle.
OK, once again, this one might be on the producers for this supremely inane query, but, when asked which kind of fruit or vegetable she would be, JoJo answered with a real brain buster: “A tomato — so I could be considered both." This is either the most philosophical complex answer in the entire roster, or just something she threw out because she was hungry.
This war veteran loves the “smells” that “belong to a city.” I don’t know which rose-filled metropolises she's been visiting, Jubilee, but her nose is lucky to have not been exposed to the assault on the senses that is a New York City sidewalk.
As in the thing you tie your shoe with? As in “chantilly?” As in “Leather and __?” Who knows.
She said that she would rob a casino just to “have something to talk about with George Clooney and Brad Pitt.” 0 to 60, Laura.
This globe trotter seems really legit, actually. I'll reserve judgement for now...
Her guiltiest pleasure? “Brunch.” Alarming, since brunch is AWESOME and nothing to feel any hint of remorse about.
In five years, this poor girl will be “30!! FML.” No, not F your L, Lauren. 30 is not the age where all hope goes to die, you can probably still have awesome dates, and aging is far better than the alternative.
The only red flag with her is that she is the fourth Lauren here. I want her to go by something more distinct, like DJ Pumpkin Spyce Latte, or “The One With Eyes.”
Leah copped to twerking on the wall in her dress during The Bachelor interview. So overwrought, Leah. Would have given you more style points for doing the Charleston.
Maegan is a cowgirl! She loves beer and BBQ and red dirt country music! She chops snakes’ heads off and grabs guys’ a**es as a pickup move! No fear of man, reptiles, or sexual assault charges for this lady.
Mandi gave some confusing thoughts on what she thinks free-range chickens’ lives are like. She wants to be one because “they do whatever they want," but they really kind of mill around while being closely monitored by the predatory humans that will eventually harvest them. (I assume.) Mandi also enjoys the fact that they lay eggs, which would mean that she would be dining on her own offspring. Mmkay.
The only embarrassment she’s ever suffered is "the time I set the record for time spent stuck in an elevator my freshman year of college." But how long were you stuck, Olivia? I have to know.
Rachel boldly declares her unemployment in her bio, yet says that one of the things that she wants before she turns 30 is “money." Hey, Rachel, meet Reality. You two are going to have a very interesting time together.
She graduated in the top 20 percent of her law school class, so she's a regular badass.
This gal believes that even if she doesn’t meet someone on the show, it will help with her “hopes and loss.” The only loss I feel is my brain cell count after reading that she didn’t know bedbugs were considered an animal.
She is a chicken enthusiast, and mentioned the word three more times over the course of the survey. A note to the producers, do not introduce Tiara to potential chicken cannibal Mandi.
This is gonna be a fun season!
Images: Craig Sjodin/ABC (31)