The Letter From Donald Trump's Doctor Sounds, Well, Exactly Like Donald Trump

Donald Trump is known for his confidence, charisma, business success, and paltry critical thinking skills. But who knew he was remarkably healthy? Doctor Harold N. Bornstein, that's who. In a recent letter to an unmentioned recipient, Dr. Bornstein describes Mr. Trump's "astonishingly excellent" health, 11 days after Trump vowed on Twitter to release a "full medical report" regarding his physical fitness to serve as president. Apparently, in his eyes, this is a prerequisite for taking office. Trump's doctor's letter includes his surgical history, habits (and lack thereof), weight loss details, blood pressure, and a frankly mediocre physical assessment. Why should people know these particulars? Because clearly, they "show perfection," as Trump has put it.

Prepare to feel thoroughly unimpressed, as this does not cover anything of major interest. It won't hurt to answer a few questions throughout the reading, such as "Does this sound as strange as it reads?" Or the follow-up, "Would one say, even Trump-like?" Or even, "Why does Trump's primary physician work in the gastroenterology department?" These questions are especially crucial in the reading of the final paragraph, because the last sentence alone could fool even the most erudite of English scholars. It becomes quite plain that the Donald could have passably written this medical evaluation for himself. Enjoy!

After the unusual means of address ("To Whom My Concern?"), Dr. Bornstein begins with a list of his qualifications and his history with the family Trump. Apparently, his own father also cared for Trump, which one can assume is meant to establish authenticity for the message that follows.

Trump has had no significant medical problems. Trump has had a recent complete medical examination that showed only positive results.

First of all, did he type this in 1975? The spacing looks like it was done with a typewriter. There is literally .05 inches of margin before the words start, and at least five spaces in between each sentence. And positive results? Half of the tests run in a physical examination simply check for positives. Anyway, he continues:

Actually, his blood pressure, 110/65, and laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent.
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Has Dr. Bornstein ever heard of the Hippocratic Oath? He might have broken 100 rules in that sentence alone. Regardless, why does anyone rationally need to know Donald Trump's blood pressure? It's not even that good, anyway. Certainly not bragging good. This is indicative of precisely nothing. But wait, there's more.

Over the past twelve months, he has lost at least fifteen pounds. Mr. Trump takes 81 mg of aspirin daily and a low dose of statin. His PSA test score is 0.15 (very low). His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary.

You hear that, haters? Extraordinary! He lost at least 15 pounds, which means he could easily take Teddy Roosevelt in a bear fight. He's a friggin' glistening Adonis, for geez sake. He'd make a Roman god tremble in awe, and he's probably slated to face the Zombie Mountain in Game of Thrones Season 6. He even takes aspirin for a healthy heart.

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Furthermore,

Mr. Trump has suffered no form of cancer, has never had a hip, knee, or shoulder replacement or any other orthopedic surgery. His only surgery was an appendectomy at age ten.

Well, I guess that disqualifies my dad for the presidency, since he's basically a bionic man. Who knew having orthopedic surgery is a mark of weakness? I'd always thought that new joints and bones were meant to strengthen the body. But nah, brah — Trump is the real deal. And not like the New Deal, because some socialist came up with that.

Also, Dr. Bornstein says that Trump had an appendectomy at age 10. Why would anybody have a fragment of care about that?

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He has no history of ever using alcohol or tobacco products.

Really? None at all? That is apparently true, according to Trump, and he also doesn't like greeting others by shaking hands because he is a "germaphobe."

If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.

Allow that to sink in for a moment. The healthiest individual ever elected. Did Trump write this himself? Because this sounds a lot like Trump wrote this himself. It's fairly obvious that Dr. Bornstein, without question, has not examined any other president's physical health in the entire history of the United States of America. This is like one of those letters a high schooler writes to show the coach that they can join the swim team. How can a person have such credulous enthusiasm over something that proves next to nothing?In conclusion, this entire letter could say, "Here's an average upper-middle-aged dude, but he's really way better than average. I will provide no proof to substantiate that claim whatsoever," and readers would have learned more.