This Is When You Shouldn't Have Sex With Someone

When trying to decide whether or not you’re going to have sex with someone, a lot of things go through your mind. Are you attracted to them? Are you feeling that spark? Are you comfortable with them? How will you feel about it tomorrow? Is it safe? Sometimes the decision is a quick, gut one and sometimes you really have to take the time to figure out what the best choice is. However, there are a few signs that should give you a hard “no” when you’re considering whether or not to sleep with someone.

One of the biggest signs for me has always been how respectful a person is of my boundaries. Whether it’s someone I’d been with before or a new partner, I have a pretty hard line about respecting boundaries — one that has been informed, I must admit, by a couple of terrible experiences. These days I have a long-term, monogamous partner who’s very, very respectful of boundaries both in and out of the bedroom, but I’ve definitely had some past partners who were not.

That’s because I didn’t listen to my gut feeling about the person and what they did to me, which is why listening to your gut is also totally essential when you’re trying to decide whether or not you’re going to sleep with someone. Trust yourself! I know it sounds easy but in the moment we all have times where we don’t trust ourselves and do things we don’t feel great about. You know you and what it is OK (and not OK) for you better than anyone else so always listen to your gut.

And in the meantime, here are five more signs that you probably should reconsider having sex with that person and just go home and masturbate.

1. They’re Talking Smack About Other Women

Or men, if you're a dude. Or trans folks, if you're trans. Basically, anyone who thinks that talking trash about a group of people that you belong to but thinks it’s a compliment to tell you that you’re an “exception” is not someone you should sleep with. Their choice of conversation shows that, all protests aside, they don’t actually respect you. It’s not a compliment to be an “exception” to stereotypes about people like you, so show them the door!

2. They’re Not Respecting Your Boundaries

I can’t emphasize this one enough. If you say you don’t want to kiss them, for example, and they kiss you anyway, then they’re not respecting your boundaries. Someone who pushes boundaries in the initial stages of you two getting to know each other will continue to push — and might just bowl over — your boundaries. Give them a firm buh-bye and show them the door.

3. Your Kissing Styles Aren't Meshing

This is definitely not a hard and fast rule but if someone’s kissing style doesn’t mesh with your own, you may not enjoy the sex. You can try to help them kiss better, of course, and that may solve the issue. And if it doesn't? We only have so much patience. There comes a point when you have to decide whether or not it’s worth it to keep things going if you're just not clicking.

4. You Get Emotionally Attached Easily

If this is a casual situation, it's probably best to avoid having sex if you get emotionally attached easily. If you have a history of feeling sh*tty during or after casual sex, then it's just not worth it to put yourself in a situation where you could be hurt. Casual hookups and one-night stands are NBD for some, but that's not the case for everyone. And that's that's totally OK as long as you do what's best for you.

5. You (Or They) Are Too Drunk

This should be a no-brainer but, unfortunately, it’s not. If you or your partner is too drunk to consent than sex is not happening. Period. The end.

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