It's once again the most magical time of the year— the time when you realize that while you've spent the past few months busily absorbed in your plans for opening the world's first pizza rolls-only restaurant, you completely forgot about all the winter gift-based holidays, and now everything listed on holiday gift guides is already sold out, and there's nothing left at your local brick-and-mortar shopping emporium besides travel-size shampoos and shaving lather dispensers shaped like Marco Rubio. What are you to do? Luckily, the latest episode of Bustle's "I Want It That Way" podcast has you covered; we looked into the most awkward intersection of sex and the holidays — hooking up with your hometown exes — but we also explore a little-understood part of awkward holiday sexuality: the sexy holiday-themed gift. And let me just tell you now, we found the perfect candy cane-shaped penis sheath for your office Secret Santa exchange.
Take a listen below:
Why are there so many sexy holiday-themed gifts, and who are they designed for? People who write erotica about Rudolph and Frosty? People who can only orgasm while dressed up as a piece of gingerbread? People who troll Tinder every Christmas Eve seeking a partner willing to dress up like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause? We don't know, and frankly, we hope to never know. But since you totally slept on finding regular holiday presents and are now desperate for guidance, the items below are what your loved ones will be finding stuffed down their stockings or shoved beneath their Hanukkah bushes this season. It really is a wonderful life, right?
1. Sexy Santa Reindeer Costume Kit
Sexy Reindeer Costume, $13, Jet
Get It For: A reindeer who really wants to start hitting the clubs and getting back out there.
The secret to being the sexiest reindeer on the block? If this costume is to be believed, it's wearing an extremely elaborate disguise that makes you resemble a human woman— one who getting ready for a long, strange night of posing seductively on pieces of sheet-covered furniture (furniture and sheet not included with costume).
2. Electric Eel Men's Candy Cane Thong
Candy Cane Thong, $12, Amazon
Get It For: Someone who frequently complains about how chilly their penis is.
Bonus: If you're considering getting engaged in the new year to someone with a penis, this fun little thong makes a great test as to whether your partner loves you enough to put up with your ridiculous bullshit for the rest of their life.
3. Electric Eel Men's Santa Hat Thong
Santa Thong, $14, Amazon
Get It For: Someone you're trying to trick into dumping you.
You: I think it's fun! I think it's like, you know, like a freewheeling Channing Tatum kind of vibe? Like, wouldn't they wear this in Magic Mike? You're basically Magic Mike now.
Your Partner: I want a divorce.
You: We're not married.
Your Partner: So?
4. Electric Eel Men's Xxxmax Thong
Reindeer Thong, $14, Amazon
Get It For: When you finally get around to answering that Santa Clause-themed sext
Have you always found holiday felt-and-pipe-cleaner crafts to be a little more erotically charged than anyone else you know? Finally, you have a constructive outlet for those urges!
5. Mistletoe Crotchless G-String
G String, $16, Yandy
Get It For: The most fearless vagina you know.
Is it safe, sensible, or sane to dangle a poisonous berry (known to be toxic to house pets) that close to your own lady-berry? Buy these underpants and tell us, I guess.
6. Creepy Santa Sex Toy
Get It For: A friend who is interested in never again being able to close their eyes without picturing this gross elf bell-boner.
OK, you can't actually buy this one — but you can definitely run this video in the background as you do some kind of sensual dance in your mistletoe undies, for a unique "this is kind of like what my Nana told me Hell is like" holiday sex experience.
7. Baby Jesus Butt Plug
Butt Plug, $35, Divine Interventions
Get It For: A relative who doesn't know what a butt plug is (they'll put it on their mantle and you'll get to see it every time you come over; come on, it'll be great!)
Get this present to confuse your enemies! Hell, get this present to confuse your friends! Get this present and get kicked out of your family gathering, which is actually what you wanted the whole time because you have 5:45 tickets for Star Wars! Show just a picture of this to your boyfriend and have him go, "Why would anyone...oh no, and it's a butt plug?" How can one gift help you accomplish all of these goals? It's pure holiday magic, friend.
Images: Giphy
