“You haven’t met anyone great yet? I’m so surprised! You’re wonderful!” said every person ever who found love at 22 and has never had to date. It’s a sweet sentiment and one that’s never said with any malicious intent, but with so many eligible singles in the New York, the only type of single guy I’ve yet to find is one that wants a committed, fun, awesome relationship.
I try my best not to be bitter, to keep going on dates as fast as I can swipe right and down a glass at wine at yet another bar, but after so many sh*tshow first dates, it can be discouraging. Or, at the very least, entertaining. I was recently on an ABC News/Hulu documentary talking about how online dating has changed modern romances, and it’s true — I’ve been single for nearly four and a half years, and have always had an online presence. I don’t know if I blame the interwebs or the fact that dating is now almost entirely on demand, but it seems like I find many more dating horror stories than great, incredible first dates that have potential.
I’m not losing hope — and neither should you — but if you need some reassurance that you’re not the only one weeding through circus acts to find a girl or guy with half a heart, check out this lists of the types of people I’ve dated in the past four years. If I’ve gone out with them, you surely have too, and luckily we both survived to date another day:
1. The One Who Wishes They Were Still in College
The one who relives their glory days of ragers and college parties, still drinks Bud Light on tap. They're still immature, goes back for every alumni event and homecoming, and won’t have sex with you if their favorite team loses. No touchdown for this one.
2. The One You Wish You Could Like
They're so sweet. Really. They've got a nice face and features. They're friendly, respectful, and have interesting things to say. They're so incredibly nice you can’t believe they exist. But no matter how many dates you go on or how much you squint your eyes and try to imagine a future, you just don’t like this person. And you have no idea why.
3. The One Who Blatantly Asks You to F*ck
You’re out on what you think is a first date but really turns into 21 inappropriate questions with someone who most definitely only wants to bang you and leave. If you’re into that (and we probably all are from time-to-time) then cool. If not? You’ll never hear from this one again.
4. The One Who Is Too Good To Be True… So You Screw It Up
No, but really. You love going out with them. They love going out with you. They call! ON THE ACTUAL PHONE! This person is interesting and smart and sexy. And you freak yourself out, move too fast or too slow and it all goes nowhere, real fast. -Insert disappointed emoji here-
5. The Ex You Can’t Get Rid Of
You don’t actually want to be with them anymore, even if you had ex sex for two years. You don’t really see a future there. You know they're not the right person. But then tequila always has a way of finding their number.
6. The Foreigner You Just Want to F*ck
They're messy, they drink a lot, and are only here for a little while. And you’re going to have as much fun as you can possibly squeeze in.
7. The Friend You Tried To Make A Significant Other
Everyone says the best relationships start off as friends… so you try to give it a go. And both of you immediately know that’s a bad idea. Been there, done that.
8. The Older One
My first boyfriend in New York was 30 and I was 22 and he seemed so mature to me. At 27, I can’t believe I once considered 30 to be ‘so old.’ But hey, we all have to be starstruck at some point, right?
9. The Jealous One Who Falls Too Quickly
Always great in the beginning — super into you, super reliable, super sexy. You have awesome chemistry and it all seems to going super well… until it isn’t. Once they fall, they fall hard and want all of your attention and time. That’s when you know it’s time to go.
10. The One You Liked Until You Slept With Them
Sex is rarely good the first time (unless it's with that foreigner, swoon!) — but sometimes the chemistry's just not there. And it's not easy to fall in love with someone you don't want to sleep with.
11. The I’m Getting Better At This One
The best part about being single for so long? You quickly know how to say ‘goodbye’ to the duds and focus your energy more on the ones who matter and will make an effort. The first time you reach that stage and can walk away from a first date with no regrets… you’re finally getting somewhere.
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