If movies were to be believed (and they aren’t) then most humans can go from first kiss to penetration in like, five seconds, and always have sex without foreplay. Unfortunately, a lot of our sex education in the States comes from popular media, so there are a whole bunch of people of all genders out there who are doing it that way and don’t know how to do it any better. And pretty much any sexually active adult is going to encounter a partner at some point who, unfortunately, just doesn’t seem to get foreplay.
When that happens, things can get hella awkward. You like this person and you want to keep being sexual with them but the straight to genitals action just isn’t going to work for you. But how do you change the situation? How do you let them know that you’re really digging them but that changes need to be made if the sex is going to continue? And, probably the biggest question that most of us have: How do you do it without really hurting their feelings?
Like so many of the delicate parts of our relationships, the key here is communication — but that communication can take many forms, both verbal and non-verbal. If you’re struggling with how to get the message out, check out these seven tips on how to help your partner get better at foreplay.
1. Talk About What You Like
And it’s all about the “I” statements here. Saying, “I hate how you…” or “I don’t like it when you…” isn’t going to get you anywhere but Tears Town. Instead, say things like “I love it when you…” or “It feels so great when you touch me here.” If you think your partner needs things really clearly spelled out (and let’s be real: plenty do) then you can have a sit down conversation about it but I recommend having this conversation in the bedroom, when you’re already getting busy. That transforms it from a SERIOUS TALK into something fun for both of you.
2. If They Go For Your Genitals Too Soon, Re-Direct
Sometimes a partner might go right for the crotch but it’s easy to gently redirect their hands or face to another part of your body. You can also whisper things like, “Oh, tease me a little longer” or “Not yet, baby” as you do. You’re not shutting them down but rather helping them learn how to please you better.
3. Dirty Talk
Talk it up! Dirty talk does the great double duty of getting you both turned on and educating your partner about what you like. Figure out what you’re into and describe exactly how you want them to do it to you.
4. Positive Reinforcement
When your partner hits on a spot or does something that you like, let them know! Let your body and vocalizations show them that you’re turned on. If they’re a good lover and care about your pleasure, they’ll respond to that kind of positive reinforcement by doing more of what’s working.
5. Make It A Game
Maybe you set a timer and challenge each other to keep your underwear on until it dings. Maybe you play a literal game, like strip poker. Turning foreplay into a game takes some of the pressure that we all (subconsciously or consciously) put onto sex. If you and your partner are both having silly fun and feeling relaxed, you’re more likely to be open to exploring new things — and body parts.
6. Sensual Massage Is A Cliche For A Reason…
But for real though. Ask your partner for a massage. You can explicitly state boundaries about how long they have to spend on each part before they’re allowed to move on to a new area of your body or you can let things naturally evolve the way they’re going to evolve. Either way, more foreplay time for the both of you.
7. Ask Them To Kiss Every Inch Of You First
This can be a super hot way to extend foreplay and also discover some new erogenous zones. Ask them to kiss you from head to toe before any genital contact can even occur. You just might find that there are spots on your body that you didn’t even know were sexy spots.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our video on sex positions for small penises:
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