If you and your significant other are serious enough to spend the holidays together, it can be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, your partner gets to meet your family and spend quality time with you; on the other, you'll probably be struggling to figure out how to have sex while home for the holidays. After all, 'tis the season for food, family, presents, and if you're lucky, some steamy yuletide sex.
If the two of you are used to frequent sex, going a few days without it can feel like a new, adult version of The Nightmare Before Christmas. Fortunately, being at home and having sex with your S.O. are not mutually exclusive. Sure, it might be a little weird at first, but when you're both horny AF three days into the visit, I bet you'll be willing to go to great lengths to find a way to get some much-needed release.
Whatever your home situation is, there are ways to work around the craziness of the holidays and find some, uhh, private time for you and your partner. Here are nine hacks to help you have sex this holiday season — because orgasms are the only gift anyone really needs:
1. Have Shower Sex
Bathrooms, naturally, are a very private place, and you can therefore probably get away with some good old-fashioned shower sex while you're visiting home. The running water will provide some noise coverage, and no one is likely to barge in (but duh, lock the door anyway). And if you're fortunate enough to have an ensuite shower, this will be even easier to pull off, because there's almost no chance you'll be interrupted.
2. Take Advantage Of The Car
Especially if you live in a metropolitan area and don't normally have a car at your disposal, you might have forgotten about the joys of car sex. If you and your S.O. are itching to get naked, volunteer to run to the grocery store to pick up those paper plates you conveniently forgot to bring, and find a nice empty parking lot to get backseat-busy in. Just don't take too long, or your fam will probably guess what kind of "errands" you were really running.
3. Triple-Check That The Door Is Locked
OK, this isn't much of a "hack," but it's solid advice nonetheless. While it may seem like locking the door before getting naked is common sense, you'd be surprised how easy it is to "forget" in the heat of the moment. Nothing can ruin a Christmas dinner faster than your mom walking in on you and your partner doing the horizontal tango, so make absolutely sure that door is locked before you even get started, lest you lose track of your wits in the midst of foreplay.
4. Drown Out The Noise
Were TVs invented for something other than covering up the sounds of your holiday hanky-panky? I don't think so. Pro tip: Put a sex-filled show on full blast, so your moans can mingle ever so slightly with the actors' during the sexy parts; there will still be plenty of other dialogue-driven scenes, so your family doesn't think you're just watching porn. No one can question you if you say, "Oh, sorry for all the noise, we were catching up on Game Of Thrones!"
5. Explore The House
Bedrooms are so cliché. If you have a large house with lots of nooks and crannies, take advantage of that and find a cool, secluded spot in which to cozy up with your partner. Maybe there's a not-that-spooky attic or a storage room in the basement — whichever one is the farthest from the rest of the house and least likely to get you caught, go there with your partner and go to town.
6. Set A "Sex Alarm"
It never hurts to be extra-cautious, especially if anyone in your family is a night owl. If you don't want to take the chance that someone will hear you having sex right at bedtime, try this trick: Set an alarm for sometime in the dead of night, so you and your S.O. can wake up and have (sort of) loud sex at your leisure. When you're done, you can go right back to bed (and hopefully sleep in a little). Either way, being a tad drowsy is a small price to pay for a big orgasm.
7. Venture Outside For A "Run"
If your house is just too packed with nosy relatives to feasibly pull off some sneaky sex, your next best bet is to try the ol' "we're going for a jog" trick. Once the two of you are out of the house, find a secluded spot and have a quickie to satisfy your pent-up urges and get the good kind of exercise — just beware of getting caught. (Unfortunately if you live in an area that's below freezing, this idea might not work, because genitals and frostbite don't mix well.)
8. Don't Forget About Foreplay
Even if you're not really comfortable enough to have full-blown intercourse under your parents' roof, there's no reason to be completely prudish during your holiday stay. Throw it back to high school with an under-the-blanket handjob during movie night (proceed with caution), or else just stick to oral and manual stimulation in the privacy of your own room. There will probably be less noise overall, and you won't have to feel quite as guilty about defiling your childhood room after.
9. Have Sex On The Floor
This hack is for those of you whose childhood beds are more than a little creaky. When mattresses are squeaking in the middle of the night, it's pretty much a dead giveaway that someone is getting frisky. If you want to avoid significant glances/smirks in your direction at breakfast the next morning, switch to floor sex instead. Just beware of carpet burns, and maybe make sure that no one is in the room directly below you.
Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships? Check out our video on sex positions to make him last longer:
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