How To Deal With Han Solo's 'Force Awakens' Arc
It's been a hard weekend for me, and, I'm imagining, any other girl who's had a crush on Han Solo since they were 6 years old. While I was super stoked to catch up with all my intergalactic besties when Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit theaters this Friday, I was only moderately prepared for what would happen to the Corellian Smuggler. In fact, I think as a nation we're all processing what happens to Han Solo in The Force Awakens . Obviously, DEEP AND PROFOUND SPOILERS AHEAD for those who haven't caught The Force Awakens yet. Although, if you haven't seen by now, you only have yourself to blame, and you should feel bad about this and all of your life decision's to this point. Basically.
In short, Han Solo gets unceremoniously killed by his son Kylo Ren (real name Ben Solo, huh), a gut-churning move even if you could smell it from a thousand miles away. And I could! Back when I was covering each Star Wars trailer-of-the-day, I could sense that Babe Solo's days were numbered. I'll like, never be OK again, but it was going to happen.
Regardless, in memory of the hottest scoundrel in all of the galaxy, here are all the stages, you, me, and America inevitably went through when watching this horrific scene.
Stage 1: "Oh My God, Han Is Seriously Going To Try To Negotiate With Darth Jr."
This is not going going to end well, I just know it.
Stage 2: "Does He Really Think Going Up On That Narrow Bridge Is A Good Idea?"
OMG, honey, you're smarter than this.
Stage 3: "OK, Watching Five Episodes of 'Girls' Last Night Is Really Taking Me Out Of This Moment."
There's a fear in me, but it's muted by the fact that I'm supposed to believe Han is related to Adam Sackler.
Stage 4: "Han, Plz Get Out Of There."
Yes, you. You're making a half-hearted attempt at reasoning with a dude who just destroyed like four planets. Cut your loses.
Stage 5: "This Is It. This Is Totally It. It's Going To Happen."
I'm not ready for this, why am I not ready for this?
Stage 6: "HOLY TOLEDO, THERE IS A LIGHTSABER GOING THROUGH HAN SOLO."
He's dead, he's dead, oh my God, it's just happened.
Stage 7: Internal Chewbacca Noise
Follow by Chewbacca's actual Wookiee noise, followed by a muffled sob of shock.
Stage 8: "Aaaaaaand He's Falling Down Into That Bottomless Cavern."
And that's it, he's gone forever, that just happened, wow.
Stage 9: Looking Over To Your Friend To See If They're Crying
No, they're handling the death of our childhood very well, come to think of it.
Stage 10: "Rey's Actually Not Taking This Well."
I'm just saying, we knew Han Solo a lot longer than she did, should we be sadder about this? Like, I'm definitely not un-sad, but, 30 seconds in, and I think the healing process has already begun.
Stage 11: "Actually, Why Is Leia Not More Sad About This?"
That strikes me as weird, because your son just killed your longtime ex-lover, it just seems like something you'd be distraught about.
Stage 12: "GO, CHEWIE, GO!"
REIGN TERROR ON THE FIRST ORDER, AVENGE HAN'S DEATH!
Stage 13: "So Is That It? Are We Not Going To Address This Further?"
Like, the action is still going, I guess we're just gonna forge ahead like it's NBD. I guess I'll be OK...
Stage 14: Waking Up In The Middle Of The Night Later, Screaming
My God. We lost Han Solo.
Rest in peace to the handsome, scar-chinned face of this franchise. The galaxy will be a lot darker without you.
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Images: Walt Disney Pictures; Lucasfilm; Giphy (14)