Hi, The Bachelor. You bastion of morality. Ha, I'm kidding. You were never that. Not sure what Juan Pablo was talking about. So how are you doing, The Bachelor? Are you pulling your hair out over Juan Pablo's gross, homophobic comments? I am also pulling my hair out. Right there with you. Are you mad at him, The Bachelor? I’m mad, too. His remarks were hella ignorant and frustrating. Yes, his second apology was actually not so terrible, but the original statements still sting.
That being said, I worry I'm part of the Juan Pab-lem (yep, I just did that. I am indeed the worst) because I have yet to quit The Bachelor . I'm still watching and recapping (and begrudgingly enjoying) the Juan Pab-show. Womp womp. And so it is.
This week’s episode didn’t feature any drunken meltdowns (MISS YOU, VICTORIA), but it did include a Jeepboat, so I made do.
DATE WITH CASSANDRA:
The date started out with Cassanda and Juan Pablo Jeeping along a body of water. “Cassandra just loves the water, man,” Juan Pablo said. “So I definitely have to give her what she wants.” Part of me (all of me) wished he just handed her a glass of water and was like, “That’s all I planned! Get it? You love water! Perfect date, huh?”
Juan Pablo accelerated off the road, onto the shore, and then AT THE WATER. HE CONTINUED TO DRIVE AT THE WATER. Before Cassandra could tuck and and roll and save herself, Juan Pablo HIT THE GAS AND DROVE INTO THE WATER. AHHHHHHH — Oh, wait. SURPRISE! The Jeep was seaworthy. Cassandra was like, “OMG AMAAAAZING,” but I would’ve been like, “YOU’RE THE WORST THAT WAS TERRIFYING I ALMOST VOMITED EVERYWHERE NEVER PLAY A PRANK ON ME AGAIN TAKE ME BACK TO THE MANSION RIGHT NOW YOU ASSHOLE.” Do you think I could win The Bachelor: y/n?
They Jeepboat’d for a while. Strangers in real boats were like, “The hell am I looking at?” After they had their fill of Jeepboating, Juan Pablo and Cassandra jumped into the water and canoodled.
After Jeepboating, Cassandra and Juan Pablo went back to Juan Pablo’s place and danced. Cassandra admired Juan Pablo’s daughter’s artwork on the fridge. After they danced, they sat in the backyard and enjoyed the delicacy that is the malted milk ball. That’s not an innuendo, ya sicko. Then, they looked at pictures of their kids. He gave her a rose.
Who was on this date? Uh… I’m terrible with names. All I know is that Sharleen said it was her plus 10 other girls. So, 11 contestants. I’ll learn the names eventually, I promise. The selected girls all wore workout gear and hopped in a limo. Where were they going? To the LA Galaxy stadium. SOCCER TIIIIIIIIME.
“I don’t expect you to be the best soccer players in the world,” Juan Pablo told the ladies. “I just want you to have a good time.” AUGHHHHH NO. This might be worse than the Jeepboat date. I’d fail miserably at having a good time.
Before they were forced to play a game of soccer, Juan Pablo made them run ball handling drills. Again, not an innuendo. It was a goddamned P.E. class. Somehow, not one of the contestants rolled their eyes directly into the camera. I was really disappointed. I would’ve been rolling my eyes like a hobgoblin.
Alli was one of the 11 on the Group Date. Okay. We have Alli, Sharleen... and nine others. I’m getting somewhere with the names! Alli said she’s played soccer her entire life. Predictably, Alli really went for it during the soccer game. She said she scored three goals. Cool.
The soccer game was intense/dumb/I hated it. After the game, Juan Pablo remarked, “Everybody had a great time.” I DOUBT IT.
He and Nikki had a heart-to-heart and it was a lot of “I don’t want to be hurt” business. At least, I think that’s what happened. Whenever those types of convos go down on this show, I fall asleep for, like, 20 seconds. And I fell asleep for 20 seconds when Juan Pablo and Nikki talked after the soccer game. So I have to assume it means they were talking about feelings.
Andi and Juan Pablo went in the stadium kitchen and MADE OUT.
AND THEN! Sharleen and Juan Pablo MADE OUT on the soccer field for all the world to see. And guess what? All of the contestants saw it. Nikki was pissed because of the feelings conversation and Andi was pissed because of the kitchen make-out sesh.
He gave the rose to… NIKKI. WHOA. A TWIST!!!!
DATE WITH CHELSIE:
Juan Pablo took Chelsie to a Venezuelan restaurant. The food looked bomb. Okay, Juan Pablo. So far, so good. Don’t mess this up with a Jeepboat or soccer practice. I don’t know how many more bad dates I can take.
After their meal, they went to the Colorado Street Bridge in Pasadena. Oh, I know that bridge! Here’s a fun, lighthearted little tidbit: the bridge is known as the “Suicide Bridge.” It’s also rumored to be haunted. So you know, a really romantic date location. What did they do on that bridge? A Guy Fieri look-alike told them they’d be tandem bungee jumping. Who wants to go bungee jumping after a meal off of a haunted bridge? AWESOME, Juan Pablo.
Chelsie did not want to jump. Juan Pablo had to coax her. For like, 48 minutes. And then, just as I was like, “YES, CHELSIE! STAND STRONG! DON’T JUMP! YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS,” they jumped. Dammit. Chelsie was so happy she did it because she said an experience like that is the epitome of building a relationship. Oh, 'kay.
After the ghost bridge, they went to Pasadena City Hall. Here’s an actually fun tidbit: Pasadena City Hall is the Pawnee City Hall building in Parks & Recreation. Do I sound like a Pasadena tour guide? I’m sorry. But when Juan Pablo said, “This place is on fire. City Hall Pasadena,” he also sounded like a Pasadena tour guide. We can't help it.
He gave Chelsie a rose. And then, he surprised her with a Billy Currington concert. They smooch-danced.
- When Elise didn’t get picked for the Group Date, she was convinced she was going to get the one-on-one. But Chelsie won it. Elise was devastated. And really, really bitter toward Chelsie. And really, really fixated on Chelsie’s age. “I just don’t know if she’s ready to be a stepmom,” Elise said. “She seems like a baby to me. I don’t know if having another daughter is what he wants.” So how old is Chelsie? Elise had me convinced she’s three. Maybe four. Oh, nope! Chelsie is 24. And Elise is 27. Hm. Why were you being so strange about Chelsie’s age, Elise?
- During the pool party, Sharleen cried (okay?), and then she and Juan Pablo made out again. Everyone watched… again.
- Also during the pool party, Kat was like, “CHICKEN FIGHT” and climbed on Juan Pablo’s shoulders. Kelly called her “a whore,” which, uhhhh take it easy, Kelly.
- “I literally had a dream last night that was my date with Juan Pablo. It was pretty steamy.” —Elise.
WHO WENT HOME?:
Christy and Lucy. Aw, I knew their names! I'm so nice.
Image: ABC/Rick Rowell