I am probably one of the best humans to write this article — this article about the types of crushes you had growing up. Why? Because on any given day, I still, at 24 years old, have somewhere between three and five rotating people in my crush lineup. Although of course people are perfectly capable of being complete on their own without a romantic partner, for me? Let's just say that life is boring if I have no one to pine after.
We all have our types, our kryptonite, the ones our friends could pick out of the crowd as the next one we'll get drunk and cry about. But growing up, there are definitely some classic crushes that most of us had. The kid who always got sent to the principal's office for mouthing off and setting fires? Yep. The best player on the soccer team who may or may not have ever actually read a book, but who cared, because those shorts looked amazing? Yeah. The callowness of youth, am I right?
While I like having crushes, there's no denying that they can bring about a lot of pain and suffering. Unrequited love is kind of the worst sometimes. But these crushes, these people phases, help us grow as humans. I really believe that.
1. The Troublemaker
A classic, for good reason. This is my personal kryptonite. One time, a crush of mine punched a hole in the wall at the restaurant we worked at, and my friends were like, "That's not a great sign." I, meanwhile, was like, "Wow, you are really strong for punching a hole all the way in that really hard wall." Then my friends physically dragged me away because they are my friends.
2. The Best Friend
Oy, what pining this crush leads to. What heartbreak. What pain! What delicious, fraught pain! There's a reason why the film industry and the book industry and the music industry keep coming back to this trope again and again.
3. The Lead in the School Musical
Their lack of inhibition and wealth of talent is simply too much. Good at dancing, a wonder at singing, and charismatic, this one has a habit of making your heart applaud along with the audience. I could make a standing ovation joke here, but I won't, because I'm mature now.
4. The Hot Teacher
To note: I am not condoning this crush, nor am I suggesting that anyone ever actually pursue this. But there is no way that I'm the only person in the entire world who has ever had a crush on their teacher. In my case, he taught gym (and he was probably a registered Republican now that I think about it) — but oh boy, did I try really hard to look effortlessly skilled at basketball that year.
5. The Star Athlete
There was, like, sweating and heavy breathing and a lot of muscles involved? And everyone thinks they're cool? And they're really invested in winningm and maybe they'll, like, get into a tiff with another player, and they have to be calmed down, and you're like, "Hey, it's me, over here. I can calm you down. You can cry on my shoulder if you lose and feel sad about it. I have great shoulders for that."
6. Your BFF's Older Sibling
Impossibly cool, impossibly mature. You probably did a lot of wide-eyed staring whenever you came over. You've never been more tongue-tied than the first time they directly addressed you — probably to ask if you could please pass the mashed potatoes — but hey, they noticed that you were the one closest to the mashed potatoes, so... there was that.
7. Your Older Sibling's BFF
Impossibly cool, impossibly mature, you were tongue tied when they asked about the mashed potatoes, etc. etc. Funny how similar the two situations were, no?
8. The Quiet Nerd
This is my other kryptonite: The quiet nerd. I, without fail, scare them away because I talk way too much and way too loudly pretty much 24/7, and they are timid and very smart forest creatures who develop crushes on other timid and very smart forest creatures. I am the ogre crashing through the underbrush. I will keep chasing them regardless, well into adulthood.