Amy Schumer & Jennifer Lawrence In Space? Lisa Vanderpump Lists Her Dream Girl Squad & Here's What It Might Look Like
Every now and again, I will read a celebrity news item that'll inspire me to spin a yarn. Such was the case when People Now asked Lisa Vanderpump to name her ideal "girl squad." Who does the number one Pomeranian rescuer of Beverly Hills wish to include in her dream crew? Hold on to your pink cowboy hat, because Vanderpump picked Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Schumer, and Bethenny Frankel. Yeah. YEAH. Are you freaking out at the thought of that group getting together at SUR for cocktails? Same here. So much so, that I went ahead and wrote a short fictional tale. So pull up a seat and grab a glass of LVP Sangria, because story time is now in session.
Lisa Vanderpump SURfs Through Space
Lisa Vanderpump gives the SUR private dining room a final once-over. She straightens one of the five chairs sitting before the circular table. “Looks perfect to me,” she says as she procures a handkerchief from the pocket of a her A-line dress and dabs her brow. Manager Peter had volunteered to help her with arranging the place settings for this special evening, but Lisa declined.
“Thank you kindly, sweet Peter, but I don’t want anyone else in the restaurant before or during this top secret meeting,” she had told him. “You can go home now.”
Lisa glances at her jewel-encrusted wristwatch. It’s two minutes until showtime. “Oh, the ladies shall be here any moment,” she purrs. And not five seconds later, the heavy SUR doors fly open. Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lawrence, Amy Schumer, and Bethenny Frankel all file into the restaurant’s lounge. Lisa ushers her guests over to the tray of premade drinks waiting on the SUR bar.
“We were going to ride in a limo together, but we decided to give the UberPool thing a shot,” J. Law exclaims as she grabs a Pumptini. “I don’t know what we did during that drive, but my Uber passenger rating is at three stars now.”
“Look, I don’t want to put all of the blame on you,” Lady Gaga begins, “but you did tell him to suck all of the eggs when you found out he’s never played Chubby Bunny.”
“I stand by it,” J. Law shrugs. “That game is a classic.”
As her guests make their way to the private room, they admire the bedazzled candles and fresh roses that Lisa had placed on the table. J. Law, Lady Gaga, Bethenny, and Amy debate who could fit the most roses in their mouth and still say “chubby bunny.”
“Chubby what?” Lisa asks. Before J. Law can tell anyone to suck an egg, Amy breaks down the rules of the marshmallow game for Lisa. Meanwhile, Giggy the Pom creeps into the private room. He’s wearing a spacesuit. He sneaks between the chairs and lies down underneath the table. No one notices.
“I would like to extend the sincerest of thanks to the Goddess of Logistics,” Lisa says as she raises her glass. “For I cannot believe we actually found a night that worked for all five of us—”
“Anything for you, Pump,” Bethenny interrupts.
“I hope you mean that. For I have a proposition for the four of you,” Lisa continues. “And it’ll only work if all four of you agree to it.”
The guests exchange puzzled looks. The room falls silent. Lisa’s guests wait for their host to continue. She does not continue.
“So are you going to tell us what it is?” Lady Gaga asks. “Or do we have to agree to it before you give us the deets?”
“No, no. I’ll tell you what it is,” Lisa chuckles. As she takes a deep breath, her diamond statement necklace catches the light. “I just wanted to build the suspense. So as you all know, the Gigster has become quite the celebrity.”
“Are you asking us to be Giggy’s godmothers?” J. Law guesses. “If so, I accept!”
“Not quite. I want to pitch another idea to you: a Giggy travel documentary series.”
“OK?” Bethenny takes a swig of chardonnay.
“If things were to go the way I imagine, the five of us would go on a trip with Giggy. And the trip would be filmed,” Lisa explains.
“Wild On hosted by Giggy the Pom,” Amy replies. “I could get into that.”
“Let me ask you something,” Lisa grins. “How do you all feel about going to outer space?
“What are you getting at, Pump?” Bethenny asks.
“I want to send the five of us and Giggy to outer space. And I want to film the expedition. And I want to turn it into a documentary miniseries.”
All four of Lisa’s guests do a spit take in unison. The room falls silent again. No one knows what to say. The overwhelming silence is only broken when someone not seated at the table sneezes a small sneeze.
“What was that?” Lady Gaga asks as she looks at the other guests. “Do mine ears deceive me, or did that sound a lot like a tiny, alopecia-afflicted canine?”
Never one to miss his cue, Giggy emerges from his hiding place wearing a tiny astronaut costume. Lisa’s guests stare at the costume.
“You’re serious?” J. Law asks.
“Very,” Lisa replies.
“But why us?” Amy asks. “I’m totally flattered, but all of this seems wildly random.”
“I’ve always wanted to go to outer space, and who better to go to outer space with than a group of celebrities who make you laugh?” Lisa leans across the table and grabs a goat cheese ball.
“Do you have your own spacecraft? A space pilot? A space itinerary?” Lady Gaga asks.
“Do not worry about the details,” Lisa responds as she pops the goat cheese ball in her mouth. “I’ve planned out everything. The only thing you’d have to do is show up.”
“Pump, this is madness,” Bethenny laughs. “Don’t get me wrong, I love it. But it’s madness—”
“Say we agree to do it,” Amy interjects. “When would it happen? And how long would we be in outer space?”
“I’m so glad you asked,” Lisa stands up out of her chair and leaves the dining room. Her guests stare at each other in bewilderment.
“Is this a joke?” Lady Gaga whispers. “Has she ever done anything like this before, Bethenny?”
“Requested that I go to outer space with her?” Bethenny replies. “No, no she has not. This is unprecedented. Honestly, I can’t tell if she’s serious.”
“Um, guys. I found something,” J. Law shout-whispers as she reaches underneath the table and grabs the handle of an enormous suitcase. She drags the suitcase out to an empty corner of the dining room. The other guests rush over to the suitcase. With a shaking hand, J. Law carefully unzips the piece of luggage. Just as the guests see what looks like the sleeve of a puffy jacket, the dining room door flies open.
“I see you’ve found your spacesuits,” Lisa muses. “I wanted to be the one to surprise you with them, but there they are. Now, if you’d come back to your seats, I have another surprise for you.”
Her guests walk back to the table and sit down in their designated chairs. Lisa hands each guest a small booklet.
“I already had your space passports made,” the restauranteur smiles. “And I’ve already cleared it with all of your managers. We’d leave tonight. And be back next Thursday. You just have to say the magic word.”
The guests look at small pup. They look at the bag of space gear. They look at each other. They look at Lisa.
“Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way, but I’m in,” Lady Gaga says.
“I’m in, too,” J. Law says.
“Duh, of course I’m in,” Amy says.
“Pump, is this for real?” Bethenny locks eyes with Lisa. “Because it better be. Don’t get my hopes up if we’re not actually going to go to outer space.”
“Oh, it’s very real,” Lisa replies. “I’m so glad all four of you are on board.” The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star snaps her fingers and a loud beeping noise begins to emit from the dining room’s ventilation system.
“WHAT IS THAT?” J. Law yells over the ear-splitting sound.
“IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND, PLEASE PUT ON YOUR SPACESUITS,” Lisa shouts, “AND SIT DOWN IN YOUR SEATS. WE’RE GOING TO BE TAKING OFF SOON.”
“WHAT?” Lady Gaga exclaims.
“SUR IS THE SPACECRAFT,” Lisa announces. A wry grin creeps across her face. “I’VE SPENT THE LAST SEVERAL YEARS CONVERTING THE RESTAURANT INTO A SPACESHIP. WE’RE ABOUT TO BLAST OFF, SO GET READY.”
Lisa’s guests chatter excitedly as they scramble to put on their spacesuits.
“3… 2… 1…” Lisa counts down. The walls of the restaurant begin to rumble and the building separates from the foundation. Lisa picks up Giggy and pats his space helmet. The dinner guests cannot believe their luck. As SUR soars through the clouds, the private room doors swing open to reveal a camera crew.
“It’s showtime,” Lisa beams.