This phenomenon I am going to be discussing with you can happen in a dorm, when you are in your own apartment, maybe a hotel, or even in a bathroom of your favorite bar. It's fascinating, inappropriate, a little tantalizing and often times really annoying. I'm talking about people having really loud sex. In my case specifically, I'm talking about my neighbors who are having really loud sex. Really, really, really loud, passionate sex. Like the kind of sex you know isn't really that good because at least one party is faking it, while the other is pretending to be into the screaming. Yeah. That kind of loud sex.
I live in an apartment complex with thin walls. I also live in an apartment with thin-ass ceilings. I can hear my upstairs neighbor walking around his room and on many occasions I have heard his phone vibrate with incoming texts. I'm trying to paint a picture for you guys and I think you got my situation down pat at this point. To recap: thin walls, thin ceilings, and very loud passionate sex.
Listen, I get it — people need to bone it out. Folks like to get down to it. There is nothing wrong with a little hump-day action. I appreciate natures gift to us in the form of intercourse, but I have a lot of trouble appreciating it while it's happening above my head. By all means, Fifty Shade of Grey-it from time to time, just keep it an a level that doesn't make me want to hit my ceiling with a broom. It was particularly loud over the weekend. That might be because this was the third living situation where I had to listen to other people boink, or maybe because I was in a bad mood. Whatever the reason, I had to listen to an hour of moans, sighs and YES's.
For the betterment of both myself and humanity, I decided that I would create a list to help others who have been or will be in the same situation I was. Here is a list of things to help you when your upstairs neighbors are having loud sex:
1. Ignore It
This never works, but I figured I would bust it out at the top. If you have a monk-like ability to block out noise, I applaud you. The rest of us will just have to survive in other ways.
2. Social Media
Sometimes the only way to get the sympathy you so clearly deserve is to record that noise and Snapchat it to your bestie.
While this is not guaranteed to work, you can stack pillows on your head. It will decrease the sounds, but not totally eliminate them.
4. Noise-Canceling Headphones
If you have the cash to spend or already own a pair of noise-canceling headphones, they will finally be put into good use.
5. Ear Plugs
More realistically though, you can buy these. Ear plugs are inexpensive and sold in local drugstores. Helps with partners who snore as well. I'm all about getting you guys the real money savers.
6. Write A Note/Knock On Their Door
If you have the ability to confront other people — great. Go right ahead and post a passive aggressive note, or storm right up to the apartment above you and complain face-to-face. Just know that the next time you have a party, someone is going to call the cops on you.
7. Play Porn Loudly
If you are a wise and funny person like my roommate Jordan, you will do this. Jordan took out his speakers and blasted porn at top volumes to help his neighbors understand that their noises are distracting and over the top. I never found out if it worked or not, but it's a great story to tell people.
8. Become A Commentator
Like in every good sports match, the commentator is able to guide the conversation. In the same way, yelling a play by play up into your ceiling can prove effective. It lets the other people know you can hear them, and gives useful tips! Try things like: Touchdown! or Blew another field goal, what a shame, Rob!
9. Go To A Different Room
During the day this is less of a problem. Just get up and move. Let the crazy kids get it on. When it's 2 a.m. ...well, you have the right to be pissed.
10. Broom It Up
Get your best Mr. Heckles impression on and get out that broom. Time for a wakeup call, love-birds.
11. How Deep Is Your Love
On the same level as the playing porn loudly, or yelling a string of descriptive statements, playing songs is a trick that gets you Dasha points. Especially this Bee Gees hit.
Well, thats all the advice I have for you. Hopefully the next time someone is banging above your head, you'll have ways to deal with it.
Images: Giphy (4); Andrew Zaeh/Bustle