Get pumped, because we have a fresh new taste of Broad City ready for you. On Monday Comedy Central released the Season 3 teaser for Broad City, and it features the match of the century: Abbi versus Ilana. The clip has the pair gearing up to fight Rocky Balboa style, announced with a barrage of interesting titles (“the bush with the kush? That’s basically poetry). Of course, nothing can legitimately get in between these besties, so they instead they kiss and start dancing. But what if you were faced with the horrifying question of who’s better, Abbi or Ilana?
Well, I guess you’d need to clarify “better how”? After two seasons of committed binge-watching, I decided to break it down with a few relevant categories. You know, the qualities and values that really matter in life. It won’t be pretty, but it’ll be honest, and hopefully nobody will get really hurt in the process.
So if it really came to a showdown between Ilana 'The Jewnami' Wexler and Abbi 'The Anxious Assassin' Abrams, who would win? You can watch the full clip in it's beautiful entirety below, and then scroll down to see if one broad can truly best the other.
1. Weed Consumption
Both Abbi and Ilana's characters are proud lady stoners, but I think it's safe to say that Ilana goes that extra mile. "Extra mile" here meaning, "told Abbi that the vagina is nature's pocket for weed." Who knew!
2. Professional Initiative
Aside for that one time she hired a passel of interns and donned a "white power suit" (oh, honey, no) Ilana is almost legendary at slacking off at her job on the show, sleeping through working hours more often than not. Abbi, however, showcases some desire to get out of the toilets and start teaching classes like a real instructor, not to mention she has her occasional forays into the art world. Keep on trucking, babe.
3. Desirable Living Situation
Abbi has Bevers as a 24/7 companion (and he doesn't even live at her apartment!), so this one goes solidly in the Ilana column.
4. Element Of Surprise
So the thing about Ilana is that she's pretty much "on" at all times, you come to expect her chaos in a way that's almost comforting. But Abbi, bless her heart, gets huge laughs for the moments when she lets loose, like her naked "Edge of Glory" lip sync performance or her secret black-out drunk persona Val.
5. Taste In Men/Women/Human Beings
Abbi's main crushes are limited to her neighbor who wanted to be pegged and Seth Rogen, so, um... nah. Ilana, however, doesn't limit herself and has the totally adorable Lincoln as her mainstay. There's a couple of crazies in there, no doubt, but I'm still gonna have to give this one to Ilana based on Lincoln's perfection alone.
6. Sexual Freeness
I mean, come on.
This is a tough one. I mean, when Illana brings it, she brings it, yet I still can't get behind that crop top life for every occasion. Meanwhile, that blue dress Abbi always has on makes her ass look great, so like... Abbi can take this round.
8. Couponing Skills
Abbi lives by my own personal credo: Bed, Bath And Beyond coupons never expire. Therefore, it's important to stock up so you can get 20% off everything you buy ever.
It's a tie! Both Abbi and Ilana are perpetual winners, and we can't wait to party with them again when Broad City returns to Comedy Central February 17th!
Images: Comedy Central (1); Giphy (9)