Valentine's Day Trivia: Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain; there’s also a fine line between awesomely fun sex toys and not-so-fun medieval torture devices. It’s true: Some sex toys, no matter how fun they are, look kind of scary. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, let’s play a little game, shall we. It’s called, “Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?” We’ll show you a picture, and you get to guess which one you think it is. You could find your new favorite bedroom accessory, and you could learn a little something about the darker side of human history. Ready? Let’s begin…

Image: twicepix/Flickr

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Sex Toy!

Apparently if you’re into prostate stimulation, it doesn’t get much better than this.

Adam & Eve L’Arque Prostate Massager, $99.95, adameve.com

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Sex Toy!

I used to live near one of Babeland’s brick-and-mortar stores, and I still remember the first time I saw this sucker out on display. I was both fascinated and horrified by it. To be honest, I can’t really explain the “horrified” part; this thing probably feels awesome. Maybe it’s the idea of it essentially being a wheel covered in disembodied tongues.

Sqweel 2, $59, babeland.com

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Medieval Torture Device.

Unfortunately this isn’t a toy; this is a Judas cradle. Being lowered on top of it? Not so fun.

Image: Flominator/Wiki Commons

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Sex Toy!

Like the idea of playing with restraints, but don’t want to have to install a whole bunch of nonsense to do it? These babies are for you. They slip right underneath your bed for easy usage (and easy storage); the wrist and ankle straps are also padded, so you won’t have any issues with chafing.

Under the Bed Restraints, $58, babeland.com

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Medieval Torture Device.

Choke pears could be used either as a gag or as a method of torture. Its four pieces fan out as its screw is turned. Blech.

Image: AtelierMonpli/ Wiki Commons

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Sex Toy!

This little vibrating ring of pleasure goes by the name “The Screaming O Yeah.” I don’t know about you, but I think that might just be the best sex toy product name I’ve ever heard.

The Screaming O Yeah, $14.99, edenfantasys.com

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Medieval Torture Device.

If you’ve seen any movies set in the Middle Ages, odds are you’re already familiar with the rack. The one that resided in the tower of London in the medieval era was known as the Duke of Exeter’s Daughter; it earned its name from John Holland, 2nd Duke of Exeter, who was the Tower’s constable in 1447.

Image: David Bjorgen/Wiki Commons

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Sex Toy!

The fact that it’s a nice friendly blue color probably gave it away. According to its reviews, the Love Handle is one heck of a g-spot vibrator; its shape is designed with female anatomy in mind.

Love Handle, $36.99, edenfantasys.com

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

Sex Toy!

According to its product description, “This stunning hanging birdcage is perfect for keeping your humans captive.” It’s made of powder coated raw steel, so it should be able to hold up to anything you might get up to. It’s also not cheap, so consider this one an investment.

Sex and Metal Bird Cage, $2,700, stockroom.com

Sex Toy or Medieval Torture Device?

(Medieval?) Torture Device.

Not to be confused with the Sex and Metal Bird Cage or with a particular heavy metal band that was popular in the ‘80s, the iron maiden was an iron cabinet with a hinged front and a spike-lined interior. Although it’s often associated with the middle ages, it might not technically be a medieval device — the earliest known record of it doesn’t pop up in history until about 1793.

Image: Jan Mehlich/Wiki Commons