When I recently heard that Cruel Intentions may get a sequel TV show I had to roll my eyes. First of all, Cruel Intentions as a TV show is basically just Gossip Girl. But second of all, the film is so of-its-time and ridden with mind-boggling with it’s plot holes that I wouldn’t want to tamper with that gloriousness... ever. Good or bad (or both) Cruel Intentions is a crazy film that should really make us all think. In the immortal words of my brother, the movie has us asking, “So wait, what are their intentions, though? And don’t say they’re cruel.”
To recap on this modern Les Liaisons Dangereuses, the movie is about a bet between step siblings Sebastian Valmont and Kathryn Merteuil. If Sebastian Valmont can bed the virtuous Annette Hargrove, Kathryn will f*ck his brains out. Cute. Somewhere Sebastian develops feelings for Annette, and Selma Blair has a substantial role as the bet’s monkey-in-the-middle Cecile. In short, though, Kathryn is a gem, Sebastian punks the entire Upper East Side, and this movie is late ‘90s gold.
So settle in as I chronologically document every strange thing from your favorite guilty pleasure, Cruel Intentions. And yes, make sure to queue The Verve up on iTunes.
1. The Extreme Professionalism Of Hugging One's Client
Yeah, she's regretting this decision.
2. Tara Reid's Finest Role to Date
Blink and you'll miss it!
3. Let's Take A Moment To Absorb How Vile This Is
And another moment to consider that Sebastian is the protagonist of this film.
4. Everyone's Outfits Here
Kathryn in a tailored power suit.
Cecile's mother in kelly green, and Cecile, open-legged, in the koala t-shirt.
5. Sibling Bonding
6. Your Casual Sunday Afternoon Corset
Waist-training for the weekend.
7. Rich People
8. "l Read Your Manifesto." "You Did?"
"Yeah, I took a wrong turn after the 'Which Backstreet Boy Is Right For You' quiz."
9. I Wish My Adolescent Music Lessons Were So Interesting
I'd have probably learned the violin by now if such were the case.
10. I, Too, Match My Hair To My Sweater Vests
And keep my eyebrows dark, because it's what Madonna would've wanted.
11. I Like How Kathryn's Whole Aesthetic Is "Mistress At A Funeral"
And hair-brushing in the park is a casual friend activity.
12. "You Know l'm Seeing Someone." "The Infamous Trevor. lt's Funny How You Haven't Mentioned Him Until Now."
AND THAT'S THE LAST TIME HE'S MENTIONED IN THIS ENTIRE MOVIE.
13. Does Everyone In Kansas Just Know Each Other?
Like, the Gregster is the only other person at Manchester Prep from Kansas City and apparently him and Annette are lifelong friends.
14. How To Seduce Menfolk
This is basically how all old VCR porn from the '90s looks like to the modern Internet porn connoisseur.
15. Sibling Bonding
16. "l Called You Because l Missed Talking To You."
Mind you, he's had like, ballpark, two aborted conversations with Annette on screen.
17. I Like How Everything About Sebastian And Kathryn's Demeanor Suggests "Sociopath" Here
Like, how is Ronald now skeptical of those grinning maniacs?
18. "God Forbid l Exude Confidence And Enjoy Sex."
CAN I GET AN AMEN.
19. Cecile Is High School Aged But Has A Satan-Possessed Doll On Hand
Seriously, did she adopt that thing from the Twilight Zone?
20. "Alright, Show Me Sexy."
21. Academy Award Winner Reese Witherspoon
What a queen.
22. The Fact That Sebastian Has A Tray Of Maraschino Cherries Next To His Bed
A world of "why."
23. These Two Asshats Making Out On The Top Of A Penn Station Escalator
YOU ARE EVERYONE I HATE.
24. Where Is This, BTW?
Like is this Sebastian's room, I can't tell because all I can see is blurry, sweaty bodies.
25. Happy National Sibling's Day
26. "Do You Honestly Believe You've Done A Complete 180 In The Few Days You've Known Her? Well, Let Me Tell You Something. People Don't Change Overnight."
OK, but she's basically saying what I'm thinking, because it makes zero sense that we feel bad for Sebastian just because he's gorgeous and develops human feelings in the last 10 minutes of this film.
27. Does Kathryn Have A Framed Picture Of Herself?
28. So The Premise Of This Film Is That Sebastian Is Just A Troll To Everyone, Even In Death
Again, and I feel bad for him because...?
29. And While It Is, At The End Of The Day, Brave That These Two Joined Forces And Mass Publish This Tale, And We Can Definitely See Them As Victims To Manipulation, Can We Just Accept That There's No Way Their Reputation Would End Up Unblemished In The End?
Not that I'm Team Kathryn or anything (I mean, I am, but...), it's just like... Annette still is a Kansas City goody-goody who caved on her principles for some guy she knew for two weeks, and Cecile is still the biggest idiot on the planet.
30. Also, Does It Honor Sebastian's Memory To Reveal He Didn't Know How to Spell "Friendship"?
Food for thought.
31. And You Know, This Is Cool Or Whatever, But It's Basically Grand Theft Auto
And "Bittersweet Symphony" swells in the background.
Images: Columbia Pictures (32)