I was right to be excited about Monday night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules . The penultimate episode of Season 2 was everything I wanted and more. Quick summary: Jax told Stassi he and Kristen slept together. Twice. Stassi snapped into action the only way Stassi knows how: SHE PUBLICLY HUMILIATED KRISTEN. She arranged a gathering at Beso (the go-to reality show spot) and hit Kristen with the allegations in front of their group of friends. Kristen denied all of it. And then, Stassi hit Kristen’s face with her hand. A brawl erupted. I couldn't breathe.
Kristen continued to insist that she did not sleep with Jax. Tom Sandoval wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe her (because as much as I adore Stassi, I never want to side with Jax). But then, Jax shared Kristen's “we’ve gotta cover our asses” texts with Tom Sandoval. Uh oh. Tom Sandoval asked Jax for hookup details. Uh oh. Jax shared ‘em. Uh oh. The texts and the grisly deets might've convinced Tom Sandoval (and me) that Jax was telling the truth. Sorry, Kristen.
What elevated the episode, however, wasn’t the brawl or the text messages or the spray tanning. It was the dialogue. I couldn’t believe my ears. The SUR staff uttered some of the most amazing, heinous, cruel, aggressive, and hilarious stuff I’ve ever heard on a reality show.
I’ve power-ranked the wildest/best/most shocking quotes from Monday night’s ep. This show is a heavenly gift. Never forget it:
- Stassi: “I want to wrap a dildo in acid and give it Kristen as a present so it tears out her insides."This is so vile and awful. That being said, I cackled like a maniac. Best quote of the episode, no question.
- Jax: “If I was sorry for it, I would’ve done it one time. But I did it twice.”Whoa. Dude. I was not ready for this heartlessness. Not even from Jax. Brutal.
- Jax: “I don’t feel guilty, Tom [Schwartz]. I don’t feel any remorse."Nope, was not ready for this, either. So callous.
- Tom Sandoval: “Did you [and Kristen] use protection?” Jax: “Once.”HJAFGHVXZWGETJFHXHUAHJSDH.
- Tom Sandoval: “I literally thought about about it: Would Kristen bang Jax? But I think about it, he shits with the door open, he stinks, his breath literally always fucking stinks. You’re going to go down a guy that stinks… it just doesn’t make any sense. It’s so unbelievable I would probably have to literally see it.”Why is the first we're hearing about Jax's stank odor?
- Stassi: “And you’ve banged my ex-boyfriend.” Kristen: “Which ex-boyfriend?”Uh oh. UH OH. UH OH!!!!
- Tom Sandoval: “He moved out here because everyone hates him in Miami. Same way that he changed his fucking name, because he’s a compulsive fucking liar who makes shit up for fun.”Wait, what? What happened in Miami? Don't leave me hanging, Sandoval.
- Lisa Vanderpump to Stassi: “Don’t get mad, get even. Go and shag Tom [Sandoval]."Lisa Vanderpump is the best boss.
- Stassi pre-Beso confrontation: “The punishment is that everybody knows what a complete shit you are. Why do you think they used to do executions in public?”I love her.
- Lisa Vanderpump to Jax: “Unfortunately for me, where you put your dick affects my business and I’m not happy about that."Once again: Lisa Vanderpump is the best boss.
- Stassi: “Actually, [Jax] said [Kristen]’s good in bed!"AHHHHHH TMI. Actually, all of the details from the hookups were hella TMI.
- Stassi: "Because Kristen has been lying and pretending to be a victim and pretending to be a good person, whereas Jax? We know what to expect from Jax.” And!Stassi: “Jax we know—sorry—is a piece of shit, and he’s capable of doing really bad things. Kristen pretends to be a good person.”Ugh, yes. Spitting fire.
- Jax: “You’re no angel, sweetheart … Sometimes, you’re hostile with words to people.”Stassi: “I’m so sorry that I’m intelligent and that I’m good with words.”Yep, still love her. Also? "You're hostile with words to people" is phenomenal.
- Stassi: “There’s no punishment that is big enough for Kristen. So anything I do, I feel totally justified.”STASSI.
- Shay: “I would tattoo ‘Schwartz’ on my body before ‘Scheana.’”Prove it, Shay. PROVE IT.
- Stassi: “I look at it like I struck a plea deal. He told me the truth, he’s going to back me up, he’s going to admit to it. After that, I’m done with him.” ICE COLD, SCHROEDER.
- Kristen: “How do you make a bullet?” Tom Sandoval: “Are there other bullets on there?” Kristen: “Yeah.” Tom Sandoval: “Copy and paste.”I could spend all day watching Kristen format her résumé.
- Scheana: “Jax is literally the worst person on the planet.”Literally.
- Jax: “Why on earth would I make this up? What am I getting out of this?”I don't know, Jax. But honestly? I don't understand why you do half of the stuff you do.
My body is ready for next week's finale. TEAM STASSI FOREVER.